Big Kristen...

When I was younger, my babysitter’s name was also Kristen. When you are about four-years-old and you share the same name as your babysitter, it pretty much rocks your world. Well…at least it rocked mine.

When she was around, my family referred to her “Big Kristen” and I was “Little Kristen.” (You know...because it was so difficult to tell the difference between us.) To me, "Big Kristen" was perfect. She was smart, pretty, and fun to play with. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up.

The other day, when I was talking to my friend, Mike, we started chatting about our upcoming 10 year high school reunion and how much I've changed since then. My surgery is a common topic for us, and I always feel really comfortable talking to him about my weight loss. Suddenly, he said something that really caught me off guard.

“Ya know,” he said, “I don’t even remember big Kristen…”

I had no idea how to feel about that. I was finally referred to as “Big Kristen”….but not in the way I expected almost 25 years ago. Several things darted through my mind. Have I really changed that much? Is this a good thing? Am I so different that my former self has disappeared? I mean…was there anything wrong with being “Big Kristen?”

Throughout the process of shrinking my body, I have done a lot of growing as a person. And I have crossed a few things off my bucket list. But am I really a completely different person?

When I got home, I really thought about it. After awhile, I finally decided that I am basically still the same person that I was before my surgery. The difference is that I am finally sharing some of the parts of my personality that I have kept hidden for so long. Sure, I have a lot more confidence now. And my confidence is real. Not just a smoke show to hide my insecurities. I want to try different things, go on adventures, and jump out of planes. And I think “Big Kristen" wanted to do those things too, but she just couldn’t.

I’m not changing who I am as much as I am evolving as a person. I get to keep the best parts of myself and improve on things that will only make me a better person. Not a different one.

So, I realized that there was nothing wrong with being “Big Kristen.” In fact, she was pretty darn awesome. But, being “Little Kristen” again is really awesome, too. And there's nothing wrong with that!

Proof I can fly!

The video and pictures of my skydive came in the mail yesterday. It is legitimately the best $90 I have spent on anything. Ever.

I’m still not completely comfortable with seeing myself on video. It only takes me about a nanosecond to zone in on all of the flaws that I continue to worry about. I have always been overly critical of myself, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that everyone else thinks and sees the same things I do. :: ugh ::....I really need to knock it off.

But here is my video. It's proof that I actually can fly!



I know I said it a million times in my last post, but skydiving was an amazing time! Despite all the nervousness, I would totally jump again in a heartbeat. Maybe I can get some of you to come with me next time?!?

Here are some of the pictures they took for me, as well. Enjoy!







When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. ~Leonardo Da Vinci

I'm like a bird...

Today, my mom told me I eat like a bird. I find this hysterical.

Especially, since I feel like I have been eating everything in sight in the past week or so. I have been hungrier than I have felt in a looong time. This worried me a bit, but my doctor told me this might happen…so I've been doing the best that I could with it, kept going to the gym, and anxiously awaited the consequences. Despite all my fears, a couple of days ago I got on the scale and voila!

I broke the 200 lb mark.


For the first time since I can even remember, I weigh in the 190s. So, I did what any normal blog writing girl would do. I grabbed my camera and got proof.

This is a HUGE achievement for me. I needed to celebrate. But, I was getting quite tired of rewarding myself by buying clothes that I grow out of in 4 weeks. I had no idea what else to do. God works in mysterious ways, though. When he knew I wouldn’t expect it, he put the solution right in my face.

I seriously have an addiction to roller coasters, thrill rides, and the such. But these rides can be a bit nerve wracking when you are a larger person. Mostly it’s because of the involvement of some sort of strap or harnesses that may or may not fit around you.

In what I can only imagine as an experience that would cause me to want to crawl under a rock and die, I have seen the way the people who are running the ride react to someone who doesn’t fit into the straps. After waiting for god knows how long to ride and struggling with the small straps, the “non fitter” is made to get out of their seat in front of everyone and do the walk of shame out the back door. Everyone stares. It’s horrifying.

Because of this fear, I haven’t been on a thrill ride in really long time. And recently, as I’m getting smaller, I have just been jonesin’ for an adrenaline rush. So, while out at dinner with my friend, Noreen, she mentioned she was going skydiving with her cousin, Ashley, and our other friend, Kate. She casually invited me. And I said the first thing that came into my head.

Count me in.

I have always waned to sky dive…but I have always weighed too much. If I could even squeeze myself into the harness, I feared plummeting to the earth while dragging some poor soul (who anxiously strapped themselves to me) to an unfortunate and depressing death. SPLAT! So, before I gave my down payment, I checked the website. And I am 30 pounds below the weight limit.

Done.

In order to feed my crave for adrenaline and after some severe nervousness, I got in a plane and jumped…at 10,000 feet (or 2 miles) in the air! Freefalling at 120mph through the clouds over gorgeous Cape Cod was the most amazing thing I have ever done! It makes every drop of blood, sweat, and tears I have had to go through in the past 7 months absolutely worth it!!!

So, yes...my mother was right. Today, I WAS like a bird, but in more ways than one!


I paid for the edited video of my jump and should get it in a few weeks along with the professional photos. As soon as I do, I will share! Until then, enjoy some of these still shots thanks to Mike, who came to make sure I didn’t chicken out!

Tucked in...

I am always running late.

All my friends know this about me. And the ones closest to me tend to handle the situation pretty well. But no one does this better than my friend Mike.

Poor Mike arrives at my house generally 20-30 minutes before he actually intends to go anywhere with me…just to make sure I’m ready on time. And even if I’m not, he doesn’t get upset. In short…he’s a saint.

Well, Mike and I went to Martha’s Vineyard today, and I was running late as usual. I had meant to wash a cute little tank top that morning to wear out that day, but alas…because I went to the gym beforehand- I was running late...and I forgot to wash it. The amount of cute AND clean clothing I had to choose from was minimal. I literally put on the first clean tank top I could find. And I did something I had never done before.

I tucked it in.

I know this seems quite normal to some people, but when you are fat, you tend to wear the longest, most baggy things to hide your “poochy pouch.” (aka “gunt”…aka "pannis"…) Most days, I would have worn a shirt down to my knees. But, honestly, If you have a "poochy pouch", hiding it becomes a full time job. Tucking in your shirt is just counter productive.

But the “tuck in” worked...I looked cute…and the rest is history.

The only unfortunate part of the trip was the crabby waitress who gave me attitude about ordering off the children's menu. It was the first time that had happened to me…ever! She didn’t make me show my doctor’s note, but I totally threatened her with it.

Seriously...waitstaff of the world...don't mess with me.



Despite this grumpy waitress, our day was perfect. And I spent the entire day...comfortably "tucked in!"

Illegally blonde...

I take a lot of pride in my hair…as evidenced by the number of posts I put up about it. I can only imagine that when you all read this, you think “Shut up about your hair already! We get it! You are obsessed!”

But alas…I continue….

My hair needed to be colored soooo badly, but I had been waiting because I didn’t want to add any unnecessary stress to it. My plan was to try and wait until September to have my hair cut and colored again. But, in the past few weeks, I’ve really noticed that slowly but surely has not only has my hair decreased in falling out, but has actually started to grow back. Now, I am left with this really weird sort of “halo” of baby hairs around my head…all the same length. (I promise, it was not attractive and very difficult to hide...) Upon realizing this new development, I couldn’t hold back the urge anymore…so I made a hair appointment.

Today, I went to my salon and saw one of my favorite people on the planet: Toby, my hairstylist. The last time I saw him had to be at least 40-50 pounds ago so, when I walked up to his chair I received the best greeting ever!

“GIIIIIIRL!!! Oh.My.God. You look so gooooood!”

Seriously…I love him.

After discussing the weird halo situation, and taking into account my sister’s wedding coming up in 4 weeks or so, we decided the best solution would be some cute wispy bangs. He said that this would really help hide the wispy hairs in the front that are driving me absolutely bananas.

He did a gorgeous color job and I am so happy to be blonde again! YAY!

100 pounds of fat...

When people find out I've had gastric bypass, they tend to ask me “so...what weight do you want to end up at?”… and I never really know what to say.

Through this whole process, my weight loss has never really been about numbers for me. It’s more about how awesome I feel fitting in to smaller clothes, shopping in new stores, and generally feeling good about myself. But when I got on the scale today for my regular “weigh in,” I saw a number I’ve been waiting for the past few weeks. Today, I weighted 201 pounds, meaning that since my surgery, I have lost 100 pounds. And that is a number that just can’t be ignored.

This is what 100 pounds of fat looks like.


Holy mother of god.

100 pounds is the weight of an average 13 year old. Ummmm…So, I’ve lost an entire teenager’s worth of weight from my body. Yowza. Whenever I think about it, all I can picture is me with a 13 year old on my back…for the past 10 years. It seems so ridiculous…and slightly painful.

The lowest I can ever remember weighing is 204. I was 15 and was on my first successful diet ever. It was something I made up on my own. It involved 30 minutes of treadmill a day (after school) and feeling guilty about every single calorie I put into my mouth. I distinctly remember being at a cookout, looking at a cookie and thinking to myself, “If I eat this, It will be like I didn’t even exercise today…no cookie…no cookie…no.” I lost about 20 pounds, but it didn't last very long.

Anywhoo, I was thrilled and decided to celebrate this milestone at the beach. I thought I would share a picture. I felt amazing.


At this point, I really don’t know where I’m going to end up, weight-wise. The one thing I do know is that I won’t ever lose another hundred pounds. I’m going to sit back, relax, and enjoy this feeling as long as I can!

Is that me?

One of the awesome parts of my job is that you really get to bond with your patients. And sometimes they will send you a thank you note in the mail with a picture of their baby (and maybe some chocolates if you're lucky!)

A little while ago, I got one of those cards in the mail…but included inside was a picture of me. It's something I still keep it tucked in my datebook. It is the last picture I have of me before I had surgery.

I could barely recognize myself.

So, here is quick set of “before and after” pictures. One is the picture sent to me by my patient. The other is picture that I had a friend take of me in the break room at work about a week ago.












It’s insane.

Boot camp...

When I was about 17 years old, an army recruiter called my house.

This man tried his hardest to convince me that I should join the army. Inside, I laughed...but on the outside, I tried my best to explain to this man that I was fat...too fat to join the army.

I said things like “I don’t think I can handle the training” or “I don’t think I have the right mindset”. But this guy was a pro. And he didn’t give up. Finally, I cornered him with these words: “Look, I don’t like to run. If you could see me, you would understand.”

I never heard from him again.

If anyone had ever told “pre surgery” me that I would voluntarily involve myself in anything called a “boot camp”…ever…I would have laughed hysterically. So when my trainer, Beth, called me and told me I should sign up for her new boot camp sessions, I was a little weary. But, I did sign up. Why? Because when my trainer tells me I can do something that I think I cannot do…It motivates me to do it.

Damn...she's good.

So I went to this “boot camp.” We were all at about the same level, which made me feel a little better. And the trainers, Beth and Brian, are the perfect combination of motivation and limit pushing. After lunges, sit-ups, planks, and sprints I could barely walk for 2 days after. And it was so awesome.

The classes remind me of field day from elementary school...on crack…for adults. The classes are fun and are held outside either in a field or on the beach. We do assessments in the beginning and at the end of each session of classes to see the improvement from where we started. And for 5 weeks, 3x a week, the cost is only 150$. That’s 10$ per class. The deal of the century, my friends…the deal of the century!

I have already improved so much that it motivated me to re-start my one-on-one sessions with Beth. I’m loving it.

I know that people from all over the world read this blog…(maybe not, but a girl can dream, right?…) but if you are from south shore Massachusetts and are interested in a fun workout you should really check them out. Here is the link: www.tntfitclub.com

I hope to see some new faces for the next session!

6 month update...

It seems crazy to me that 6 months ago today I had my gastric bypass surgery.

To be honest, I remember when I thought I would NEVER get to the point where I would have control of my eating, control of my fitness, and control of my emotions…without having food as a crutch. I would sit on my sofa in tears...thinking that I would never be normal again. Wondering if I had made the right decision.

Today, I know I did...and I’m really proud of myself for making this choice.

So...in honor of this day, I just read all of my entries into this blog…beginning to end. I laughed...I cried...but most of all I watched myself grow both as a writer and as a person. I cannot even begin to express how happy I am that I kept a record of this journey. Amazing.

I’ve also officially decided to share some of the more personal info with the world…here are my stats...before and after surgery. Numbers that I don’t even think the people closest to me knew.

The first day I went for my consult at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center I weighted 301 lbs. (I know, you would have never guessed, right?...but I swear…it’s true!) At 5 feet 8 inches tall, my body mass index was 45.8…I was considered morbidly obese.

This morning, when I stepped on the scale I weighed 205 lbs making my current body mass index 31.2. Anything under 30 is considered “overweight” and not “obese”. I’m almost there.

Doing the math, in 6 months, I’ve lost a total of 96 lbs and gone down almost 6 dress sizes to a size 14/16. I look and feel so much better than I did before my surgery. But looking back, I can also see that I have gone through so much more than just a physical change.

I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I find myself a “gym person” now, going on a regular basis and working with my trainer. I have finally really learned how to exercise and I like it. I can tell that I have improved so much and feel so good. In fact, today I was way ahead in my boot camp, doing more and going faster than people way smaller than me. I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

I’ve gained a control over my eating. I learned that I can still have a good time with my friends or a nice family dinner and not have to over eat. I’ve also discovered that food is not the answer to my problems and stress. Just because eating made me feel better when I was upset, it didn’t really solve anything. Instead, I developed different coping mechanisms to deal with different events in my life. And they work just as well, if not better than food.

Sometimes, when I’m stressed out or angry, I cry. I’ve learned that it’s ok. I tend to feel better afterwards and it doesn’t cost me a single calorie.

I also have much more self confidence than I ever had. I find I’m not trying to be perfect all the time in order to hide something and to get people to like me. Instead, I’m doing it because I want to. My attitude has changed. I’m not afraid to say "no" to people anymore and I have developed a certain respect for myself, knowing that I deserve and should expect only the very best.

For the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my skin and I’m not embarrassed all the time. I’m not as concerned about what people think about me. I know that the people who love me, love me for who I am...good and bad. They would still love me just as much if I didn’t have this surgery, but their support through this process has been invaluable to me.

Lastly, I am finally happy with myself. Even though I know I’ll lose more weight, if I didn’t lose another pound I would be content with my life. This is really the first time I have ever said that and really meant it.

In the last few weeks, I had really hoped I would have lost 100 lbs by today to make it look really pretty when I was sharing on here. (I love nice round numbers!) But, as I continue to look back, I find my greater accomplishment is not what I have lost…but it is what I have gained.

So today, It's not about the numbers at all...and I just couldn't be happier!

Round 2...

Round two of entertaining guests at my house was just as fun as round one!

I have actually been doubly busy this weekend, because not only did I have houseguests, but I also threw my sister a bridal shower for her wedding come this September! This is my sister and her bridesmaids. (my sister is the one in the middle) Congrats, Jillian!

My friend Amanda and her husband Jason came up from Florida to hang out in Beantown! My friend, Mike, has a sticker to drive right onto the beach, so we went for the afternoon and I got to show off that new bathing suit. (it’s already getting a little big by the way, but oh well!)

I’ve never had so much fun, or felt so great at the beach. It’s such an amazing feeling to feel comfortable in your skin after feeling self-conscious for so long. I’m really getting used to smiling all the time!



While taking my friend Amanda and her husband through my second Boston tour in 10 days (YAY for city walking! Like a mini workout!) I re-discovered a restaurant that I absolutely used to love and haven’t been to in awhile.

Fire+Ice!

For all of you who haven’t had the pleasure of going to this place, you need to make a date ASAP! It’s like an all you can eat Mongolian BBQ style place where you go up to a bar of different raw vegetables, meats, noodles, and sauces…pick what you want…and they cook it, right there in front of you. It’s awesome!

The best part for me was, after a small discussion with my waitress about there being no actual children’s menu, I got to pay kid’s price anyway. (from $16.95 to $9.95…go me!) When I got up there, I totally loaded up on the protein and vegis I LOVE while avoiding the starches I don’t need. And the portion size was just right because I did it myself! It was perfect!

It’s funny. Even though I have a doctor’s note that says I can order off the children’s menu, I have never had to use it once! Usually, just mentioning that I have it is enough to shut up any questioning waitress and I have never had a problem.

I also love that I have totally gotten over being nervous about asking for the kids menu. (The amount of money and food you waste by ordering off the real menu gets real old….real quick) I thought there would be arguing, fussing, calling of managers…but no. Usually, they just grab you one. And ask you if you want crayons, too.

Awesome.

Saturday, I will be 6 months post-op. I can barely believe it. How time has surely flown by! I have a special blog entry for that day, so stay tuned! I will be updating how much I’ve lost, and what I weighed before surgery. It’s gunna be nuts…

Disturbingly small...

Happy birthday, America!

It seems funny to me that as I lose weight, I actually start to look forward to doing active things with my spare time and this 4th of July was no exception.

This weekend my college friend Andrea, her husband Douglas, his friend David, and David’s sister Betsy, all came to stay at my house for the weekend. It’s the first time I got to put my guest room to good use. The “Martha Stewart” in me was oh-so-excited. (Seriously, I printed out the “how to be a good hostess” list from Martha's website. I don’t mess around when it comes to entertaining.)

We spent the fourth in Boston for a day trip. Back in my “pre-surgery days” even the thought of this would have made me nauseous. Walking all over the city in 90+ degree weather would cause me to sweat like I had just run the marathon. And not just on my forehead or armpits, either. I would feel it pour (yes, pour) down my back and chest into my underwear. This also caused my shirt and bra to get soaked making all sorts of weird spots on my shirt. I usually ended up a hot mess. So I usually avoided it.

But this weekend we walked all over the city. And I had the most wonderful time, truely enjoying myself outside for the first time in a very long time. Eating was a breeze and I even found a new favorite dining place to frequent. (Shocking, I know)

If you have never heard of Boloco, you are missing out on the best thing EVER. This place makes wraps/burritos that are legitimately to die for. I was a little nervous when we went in because I noticed right away that there wasn’t a children’s menu for me to look at. As much as I would love to, I KNOW I can’t eat a whole burrito. Heck, I probably couldn’t even eat half of one. But then I noticed the burritos come in different sizes.

The first size I saw was an “original” which seemed to be the biggest. Yeah. Probably too much for this girl.

Then I see “regular.” I watched them make one. Hmmm. Nope. Not gunna work.

Finally, I see it. Words that made me smile and relax all at the same time. The size was titled “mini” and it was described on the menu board as “disturbingly small.”

Perfect.

I got what I can only describe as the cutest little freshly made burrito I have ever seen in my entire life. So tiny that it fits into a small purse. We all got different burritos from the menu and they were all delicious. And not only in my opinion, but also to my friends. (who are authentic Hondurans, no less) We all gave this place a rip roaring 2 giant thumbs up!

But, sometimes I fear when I eat something this yummy out at a restaurant, it has to have some bad and extremely unhealthy consequence. But, oh no my friends! I went home and checked their website and loved what I saw! A mini “classic Mexican” burrito (in a bowl) with pork has only 256 calories and a whopping 15g of protein. (with a flour torilla cals=396/protein=19) Either way that’s not too bad for a whole meal eating out!

Don't beleive me? Just click on the image to the right and see for yourself. I'm loving it.

It can’t get better than this, you say? Well…let me blow your mind once more, my friends. This little guy only costs $3.95!!! So, it also costs about as much as a lean cuisine...all while being freshly made right in front of you and tasting way better as well. What a deal! Let’s just say, if I’m going to be eating something “disturbingly small” I want it to be a mini burrito at Boloco. I can’t wait to go back!

(And to all my girls reading this at work...there is one located right behind the hospital. And we can order it online. Sooo...you know my vote for the newest place to order dinner from!!!)

10,000 hits...oh my!

Checking in on the blog this morning, I noticed that my counter had hit over 10,000 views! I felt so honored and stunned by this early morning surprise!

Thank you so much to all the people who read, forward, and comment on my blog. Looking at how far I’ve come in these past 5 months, I realized just how much your support has helped me through the highs and lows of my time post-op.

I know I wouldn’t be where I am at this point without all of you! : )

Kristen
xoxo

Hair update!!!

I love being a nurse.

One of the many reasons is because whenever I have some sort of weird medical issue, I can just talk to one of the several doctors I work with and get some quality free medical advice.

So, when one of my favorite dermatologists saw my blog entry about my hair loss, he gave me a brief consult…through faceboook. Awesome.

This is what he said. It seemed to calm me, so for all you post-ops out there who were as scared as I was about the hair loss, read on.

………………………………..

Hi Kristen,

I hope you're well! You don't know this but I have an RSS subscription to your blog and I read it all the time. It's truly fantastic--you have a talent. And it's wonderful to see how great you've been doing!

I read your post about hair loss, and you don't need to be concerned. Beyond nutrition, your hair loss is at the time that is classic for something called telogen effluvium-- a sudden loss of hair that occurs at three months out of a physically or emotionally (or in your case both) event.

To get nerdy about it, hair goes through 4 different stages. The longest stage is anagen, where your hair hangs out for years. Right before it falls out, it turns into a stage called telogen. Normally about 10-15% of your hair is telogen at any given time.

People who go through the stresses I mentioned have their hair covert from anagen phase to telogen in large amounts. 3 months after you convert to telogen hair starts falling out, which is what you're noticing now. It's not pathologic, just a premature aging of the hair.

Your hair will come back, but sometimes it takes up to 3 months for the telogen effluvium (the falling out of all the telogen hairs) to occur, then 3-6 months afterwards for people to feel that they have their whole hair density back. Usually you forget about it after a while and nobody other than you notices that your hair is thin.

There's nothing much that you can do to change this so don't waste your money on anything expensive. If you're concerned, volumizing shampoos change the electric charges on the hair to make them repel one another and seem larger, but based on the pictures of yours that I've seen you don't need it.

So relax, forget about it, and find something else to worry about.

You look wonderful.

-A

………………………………..

Like I said, I love this guy. He is a fantastic doctor, but more importantly he is a wonderful friend.

Does my hair still come out in clumps? Sure. But now that I know there is really no “cure” for this, I’ve decided to save my money and just chill out about the whole thing.

Thanks, A!!!! : )

Where have I been?

You may have been asking just where the heck have I been…and the answer is back in NJ, welcoming my new niece into the world! Miss Ella Violet. This little girl just melts my heart into a sweet little puddle. I just can’t get enough of her. So for being so patient, I will reward you all with a post full of pictures.

Let's start with the cutest, shall we?



So yes, I was back to visit my best friend and help her out a little as she transitioned from a mother of one to a mother of two. Well...at least I tried to help. It was hard to not snuggle this little bundle all day long.

Chasing her big brother around makes my guilt about not going to the gym just float away. Kinda. It’s fun to play with him and I feel sooo much more active now than I did before my surgery. But still, I think she deserves a big gold medal every day…attached to a very fancy new coach bag.

Anywhoo…while I was down there I discovered a few things "gastric bipass-wise." Let me share.

First, I hate the fact that I cannot eat and drink at the same time. Its annoying. It’s frustrating. And it’s the one habit I have from my pre-surgery brain that I just can’t seem to shake. I literally have to remove my cup from the table when I’m eating or I will still drink, just out of habit, and will certainly pay for it afterwards. It really friggin’ hurts.

When you eat and drink at the same time you feel full (and queasy) quicker while also allowing your food to move through your pouch quicker, making you want to eat and drink more. A “catch 22.” My new found solution?

Watermelon.

You can’t not eat and drink at the same time when you are eating watermelon. It’s fantastic. As you are chewing the fruit just disintegrates and the juice explodes from it. It’s like it’s own little cleansing sip of liquid deliciousness with every bite…unlike any other fruit I’ve tried.

On the 6 hour drive home, I know I ate at least half of a whole melon. It was heaven. Thank god I wasn’t pulled over. (I would have loved to see myself try to explain this to the cop)

Second, is that I am eating pretty much anything I want. (within reason…I haven’t tried sugar at all…I mean, do I even WANT to know if I can eat cake? No way. Too dangerous.) I have even conquered the dreaded lettuce that has been giving me trouble for so long. I still eat tiny portions and I always feel really full after I eat, but at least I kind of feel like I have a handle on it now. It really makes me feel less stressed when I am eating with people.

Or when people are cooking for me. Like my best friend’s husband…a professional chef. He is the second reason I want them to live closer to me. (His mashed potatoes could bring peace to the middle east….I’m sure of it.)

Lastly, I partook in my new favorite treat, Rita’s (sugar free) water ice again! This time, I had the pineapple flavor and it was equally delish as the mango peach. Please…I’m begging…someone bring one of these places to the Boston area!

Preferably, within walking distance to my house.

Empty closets...

I officially don’t fit into anything in my closet anymore. Anything. Not even one of the two bridesmaid dresses I bought for my sister’s wedding in the fall.

Crap.

Since the surgery, I’ve gone down about 6 dress sizes and for the last few months I was living off the leftovers in my closet from the other diets I’ve been on. Now, I’m at a weight that I haven’t been at since I was in the 9th grade. And unless I want to be sporting fashions from 1997, I’m on my own. At this point, if I didn’t buy it in the last few weeks, it doesn’t fit. Great for me. Bad for whoever sees me out in the world.

The bras were the saddest thing for me to send to the ever growing “this no longer fits me” pile. I loved my bras. Loved them. But my once fantastic boobs have been slowly deflating and are now sad and lifeless. Some people have a breast reduction or augmentation post surgery because of all of the extra skin. I already had a breast reduction in 2003 when I was 22. I was a 40 I cup.

Yes, you read that right.

Yes they do actually make I cups bras.

No you can’t buy them in the stores.

They look something like your grandmother would wear, but the size of a parachute. Don’t believe me?? Ok…here’s a picture of me when i was a G cup:


Yikes.

So I went for a bra fitting, to try and perk them up a little with a little bra magic. I asked to be measured, thinking my DD cup would have shrunk to at least a C. I got measured from here to Sunday and do you know what the woman tells me? That I have gone from a 40DD to a 38DD. WHAT?!?!? No way. Not possible. But she made me try one on. So I did. And It fit perfectly. Apparently, to make myself feel better as I gained weight, I squeezed myself into bras that were waaay too small for me. And then, over time, I just stretched them out.

Awesome.

But on the bright side, I learned that unlike new shoes, bras were not supposed to be painful the first month or so you wore them. ::rolls eyes:: So, I love my new bras. They are comfy and do the “perking” job as well as can be expected.

Even though I have really been trying to keep the money spending on clothing to a minimum I need to leave the house in something that doesn’t require me to pull it up every 3 minutes. (“Pants on the ground…pants on the ground…lookin’ like a fool with yo’ pants on the ground!!!...ummm…sorry…that just popped into my head) So, I shop the clearance racks like a mad woman.

The newest store I have frequented? American Eagle. A store I was convinced was made for 14 year old girls/guys. Or at least that’s what I told myself when I went in there with my friends and didn’t fit into anyting. (a double zero?!?! That’s really a size?!?!? Come on!) Now I’m shopping their clearance racks for some great deals! OH- and I’m not wearing the biggest size in the store either.

Go me!

Here are some pics of me with one of my new shirts. And with my cat. (He just LOVES to get into these pictures.) I'm 18 weeks post-op today and 87lbs down. I'm happy where I am right now, but I'd love to lose about 30 more. We'll just have to wait and see... : )

My own little support group...

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m not the only one in my family that had this surgery.

We weren’t planning it this way, but me, my aunt, and my cousin all had the surgery all within 6 months of each other. Strange, but true. My aunt had her gastric bi-pass in October and my cousin had his just 2 weeks before I did in February. Even though we all had things done around the same time, we never really talked together about anything. And I don’t really know why.

Well, last weekend I was at their house for a party and I got to see them for the first time. (and I got to wear those new jeans I was talking about in my last post…they looked phenomenal!) Both of them looked so good, but beyond that we got to sit down and talk. Really talk. And it was awesome.

We talked about food. What they eat, what I eat, what we wish we could eat. Then we talked about the actual surgery…complications or the lack there of. And we also discussed the mental part of the surgery and how we all felt great and would do it again in a heartbeat.

It was all great, but most importantly to me, we talked about how we dealt with the fact that some of our family members had trouble with or can’t accept the fact that we had surgery. It’s something that is a huge issue for me and something I choose to keep off this blog. Regardless, it was so comforting to know that they had this problem too and to get some pointers on how they dealt with it. The whole thing was like a little support group. I felt so good afterwards.

From now on, I hope we can stay closer in touch. Pointers, support, and yummy food? I mean…you can’t go wrong with that!

Polite wisdom...

It’s weird that strangers are suddenly treating me differently.

I am generally a nice person. No matter where I am, I am overly polite…to everyone. Even on the phone. (Actually, my “phone voice” has been made fun of on several different occasions) You will always get a please or thank you along with eye contact and a smile out of me.

Mostly, I think that I do this is because I have a paralyzing fear of being judged by strangers, so I will do anything to not make people think of me as the “horrible fat girl.” I guess it’s not the worst reaction to a paralyzing fear that a person could have…But I digress…

I pretty much thought I was the only polite person in the world left, judging by the reactions I usually got from people. But recently, people’s reactions have changed…a lot. I have been getting the eye contact and smiles back. People have been saying “hello!” or “have a nice day!” right out of nowhere.

It’s been really surprising….and completely infuriating.

I mean, what was wrong with me before? Now that I’m smaller, I’m suddenly visible to the world? Suddenly acceptable? I guess I just never realized how people were treating me. But, now that I can see the difference, I am completely disgusted.

Regardless of how thin I get, I plan on continuing to treat people the same way I have always treated them. But, from now on, I’m not going to do it because I’m afraid of being judged. I’m going to do it because I’m a nice person. To be perfectly honest, everyone deserves respect…no matter what they look like.

Blue jean blues...

Yesterday, I went to the Wrentham Outlets with a plan to buy a baby gift…which, of course, I didn’t buy. Instead I bought a new outfit to give the gift in. I mean, priorities, right?

It was strange to buy clothes in a “regular” store. In fact I didn’t even go into Lane Bryant at all. (Start selling your stock now!....Seriously, I think I single handedly carried that company through the recession) Alone, I ventured into J Crew, Tommy Hilfiger, Ralph Lauren, and Ann Taylor. Usually I avoided these stores because the employees looked at me like I didn’t belong in there. But not this time.

I found a pair of jeans on the clearance rack at Tommy Hilfiger. Size 16. They looked way too small on the hanger, but they were a great deal. I figured I’d try them on…if they were a bit small, I could keep them for later. So I went into the dressing room and my new friend, Janice, set me up. She stated the obligatory, “let me know if you need any help!” and smiled at me. I went in to the dressing room with my heart thumping.

Trying on jeans is like nothing else in the world. I have a ritual for this (of course) in order to try and absorb the usual emotional blow I get with this task.

First, I started to pray. “Jesus,” I said to myself, “please let these jeans at least come over my thighs…even if they won’t button...just let them come past my thighs.” I took a deep breath and pulled. And they came up…surprisingly easily. Over my thighs…over my butt…and they buttoned, without me having to practice some king of Lamaz breathing. But did they look good? A little tight? Muffin top? I was trying to figure it out when I had an idea…and I did something I have never done before.

“Janice,” I said as I opened the dressing room door, “do these jeans look too small?”

I was waiting for an awkward pause. Knowing she would need a moment to try to think of some clever way to let me down easy. But without a second thought, she glanced at me, smiled, and said, “No way, hun! They look great! We actually have some shirts on the same rack that would look cute with them…you should check it out!”

It was so liberating that it set me off on a shopping spree.

So yes, now I have a cute new outfit for today. And yes, because of the shopping I did for myself yesterday, I will spend the morning running around to get a last minute baby gift. But to me (and my self esteem) it was totally worth it.

Becoming a bathing beauty...

So…a few weeks ago I went to the beach with some friends. And, although I am usually very good about putting on my 30 SPF, I made a slight error of judgment. I fell asleep in the sun.


Yes, it was a poor and extremely painful mistake that I won’t be making again, but it also left me with the wonkiest tan line ever. The tankini I was wearing had a halter top, which I figured I would untie when I was sunbathing. And, I still had my shorts on because I hated the way my bottom looked in the bathing suit I found in the back of my closet. All making for some awesome tan lines. I hoped I could pull it off this season, but no…definitely not.

So, yesterday, I confronted a fear every woman (who doesn’t look like Beyoce) goes though. And it’s something I haven’t done in years.

Yesterday, I went bathing suit shopping.

Finding a bathing suit that is flattering but also stylish, for someone as overweight as I was, is like finding a winning lottery ticket on the ground. Miracles like that just don’t happen. I have had my fair share of what I like to refer to as “granny suits.” Big awkward boob cups, horrifying floral prints, weird fluttering skirts. (::shudder::) I always did the best I could but, nothing looked good on me. Ever.

Yesterday was different. It was thrilling actually. I tried on a few different styles and everything looked pretty decent, but nothing jumped out as fantastic. It was hard for me to choose because I constantly see the loose skin everywhere... especially on my thighs and gut. I was hiding in the dressing room when the sales person, Pat, (who I had bonded with over buying new bras…more to come on my shrinking boobs later) brought me in this black bathing suit.

It was a one piece, which turned me off immediately. But she handed me the bottom of a tankini and had me put it on over it. “This will look good…I swear” she says. Ok, crazy sales person. Sure thing. But when I came out of the dressing room and saw my mother’s face…I knew. Bingo. I found a bathing suit that that not only didn’t look bad. It actually looked good.

Really good.

So here it is. I could have bought a nice coach bag with the money I spent on it, but I figure…hey…how often does anyone find a bathing suit that makes them look (and feel) this fantastic?!?! Right?

Letting my hair down...

In the past few weeks my hair has been falling out. In clumps. So, although this is an expected side effect of this surgery, and I know that it will grow back…I’m freaking out. Hardcore.

Before my surgery, my hair was something I could hide behind. Something I could control. There was no quick fix for fatness, so if I wanted to change my appearance, I made a trip to the salon.

Going to my salon on Newbury Street and seeing my stylist, Toby, to get a cut and highlight always puts me in the best mood. And (because I have the most talented hair stylist ever) my hair always looks fabulous. Well, to be honest...it should. I could feed a small village in Africa with what I spend on my hair in a year.

Before my surgery, I sometimes felt really intimidated. I hated that damned little black robe that never tied correctly (or even at all) around the expanse that was my gut...or how I felt when I squeezed my butt into the tiny hairdressing chair. When I walked in, I felt all eyes were on me…for all the wrong reasons.

But not this time! When I went a few weeks ago, I had my cute little robe on and tied it easily in the front. I even crossed my legs in the chair without issue. I got an adorable summer cut and a gorgeous blond highlight. I felt great while I was there. And when I left, I was just radiating sassiness.

Now that I'm dealing with the tactile reality of the situation, my irrational fear of thinning hair has made it seem like my worst nightmare has come true. The whole process seems like a small price to pay for the weight loss, but man….I just can’t seem to get over it! I know i won't be "bald" and I’m sure it could be worse…but every hair that falls out is a little twinge in my heart.

My doctors told me that the hair loss happens because of the state of malnutrition you are in and usually occurs at around 5 months. I think that because I’ve had more accelerated weight loss than expected, I’m dealing with this a little early…at 15 weeks. (I’m pretty sure that coloring my hair didn’t really help either, but it was totally worth it!) I’ve been told that a shampoo called Nioxin helps, so that’s on my shopping list for this week. I’ll keep you guys posted on how it works once I get it.

The good news is that everyone seems to like the new 'do and have complimented it many times. I often remind myself that everyone is not as overly critical of my appearance as I am. (Thank god...)

So, I’ve decided that when I start stressing out, I’m just going to try to stop…take some deep breaths…and remind myself that: #1- I look and feel so much better now and would do it all again in a heartbeat…and #2- no matter how much hair I do lose, it ultimately will grow back!