Confessions of a skinny girl...

I know a lot of people have been wondering why I haven’t been writing…asking me if falling in love has replaced my desire to write.  

Well, yes…I do have less free time on my hands now that Chris is in my life.  But this is not the main reason I haven’t written in awhile.  Basically, I’ve been bad.  And I didn’t want to tell everyone about it. 

But, in order to try and fix it, I think I need to write about what's been going on….so here we go.  

For the past 4-5 months or so, I really haven’t had to worry too much about “what” I ate.  I could pretty much eat anything I wanted until I was full….which generally didn’t take very long.  I was always losing weight…no matter what.  But over the past 8 weeks or so, I’ve been dealing with something that has me really worried.

Not only can I eat way more than I’m used to….for the first time in over a year, I have actually gained weight.  

9 horrifying pounds. 

I think a lot of it has to with my new relationship with Chris.  Between the both of us, we have about a million friends and family.  And I feel like every time I meet someone new, it involves dinner and a bottle of wine.  It all adds up…mainly on my ass.

Most of the time, when it’s just us, we do try to eat at home with Chris cooking dinner.  And he really does cook some delicious, healthy meals.  But for me, this is completely different than my usual lean cuisine situation where I just eat everything in the little plastic dish and I’m done.  Since I really can eat more now, portion control has become a problem.  It often surprises me about how much I can actually eat now, if I really try. 

Another major problem is grazing.  I have reassumed this horrible habit and it frustrates me so much.  I picked it up at work, where grazing is a way of survival.  We have a countertop there that I have to walk by…mmm…maybe 100 times a night.  And we all like to cover this countertop with horrible (although delicious) snacks. 

Chips, candy, cookies, brownies, cheese, crackers…it’s all there.  And when you are running around without time to sit for a proper meal (while also trying to stay awake all night) you eat what’s fast or you drown.  So I eat it….one small handful at a time.  It’s just not good at all.

I have also been naughty about taking my vitamins and at my last doctor’s appointment, my levels were so low that they basically doubled my prescriptions.  Yikes. 

The good news?  I still go to the gym religiously.  But I can feel the difference in how I’m working out with how I’m eating.  Running is so much harder than it used to be and I really have to fight myself to stay on the treadmill for the 2 miles that I’m supposed to.  I know it’s how I’m eating…and so does Beth.

So…basically…I’m scared shitless. 

I was talking to my cousin about just this thing the other day.  Now that he can eat more food, he is scared too.  I am reassured by this…knowing that I’m not the only one to feel this way.  Gaining a little weight back is a normal part of this process, but some people can go further than that, gaining all of their weight back.  And that is what frightens me.  I’ve worked too hard to get to where I am right now…and I am so scared I will lose it all. 

I absolutely refuse to let this happen. 

So, what’s my new plan?  

Well,  I decided to cut out almost all of my alcohol intake.  I lived for almost a year without it and I survived.  These are calories that I just don’t need….and I’m pretty sure I won’t miss.   There is really no need to drink when I am at home, so I’m keeping alcohol just for special social situations …and I’m just fine with that. 

I have also resumed not eating and drinking at the same time.  When you eat and drink at the same time, food apparently washes through your pouch faster…making you hungry sooner.  So I’m nipping this one in the butt right away…and (unless I’m eating something really spicy) I hardly ever notice. 

Both Chris and I have decided to try and eat better.  I’ve been trying to pick healthier options when we are out at restaurants.  He already cooks so healthy at home, but I talked to him about the portion control isue that I’m dealing with right now.  He is going to try and help by not making and plating so much food for me.  I think this will be really helpful. 

The hardest part is going to be the grazing…mostly at work.  Although I do graze a bit at home, the food that I have here is really controlled and rarely bad for me.  But at work, it is a completely different story.  This is going to take some serious will power.  

Basically, I need to learn that I can’t feel full all the time.  I need to train my body to accept feeling a little hungry sometimes.  And when I do need to snack, it NEEDS to be on healthy things...and if there are no healthy options, I just can't snack at all.   

I’ve dealt with some seriously harder things than this throughout the past year and I made it.   So far I’ve gotten a couple of these “relationship pounds” off, but I still have a way to go.  I know I can do this.  And now that I "confessed" about it, I do feel a lot better.  

The new Kristen is going to embrace will power.  Let's see how she does.