6 month update...

It seems crazy to me that 6 months ago today I had my gastric bypass surgery.

To be honest, I remember when I thought I would NEVER get to the point where I would have control of my eating, control of my fitness, and control of my emotions…without having food as a crutch. I would sit on my sofa in tears...thinking that I would never be normal again. Wondering if I had made the right decision.

Today, I know I did...and I’m really proud of myself for making this choice.

So...in honor of this day, I just read all of my entries into this blog…beginning to end. I laughed...I cried...but most of all I watched myself grow both as a writer and as a person. I cannot even begin to express how happy I am that I kept a record of this journey. Amazing.

I’ve also officially decided to share some of the more personal info with the world…here are my stats...before and after surgery. Numbers that I don’t even think the people closest to me knew.

The first day I went for my consult at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center I weighted 301 lbs. (I know, you would have never guessed, right?...but I swear…it’s true!) At 5 feet 8 inches tall, my body mass index was 45.8…I was considered morbidly obese.

This morning, when I stepped on the scale I weighed 205 lbs making my current body mass index 31.2. Anything under 30 is considered “overweight” and not “obese”. I’m almost there.

Doing the math, in 6 months, I’ve lost a total of 96 lbs and gone down almost 6 dress sizes to a size 14/16. I look and feel so much better than I did before my surgery. But looking back, I can also see that I have gone through so much more than just a physical change.

I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I find myself a “gym person” now, going on a regular basis and working with my trainer. I have finally really learned how to exercise and I like it. I can tell that I have improved so much and feel so good. In fact, today I was way ahead in my boot camp, doing more and going faster than people way smaller than me. I couldn’t be more proud of myself.

I’ve gained a control over my eating. I learned that I can still have a good time with my friends or a nice family dinner and not have to over eat. I’ve also discovered that food is not the answer to my problems and stress. Just because eating made me feel better when I was upset, it didn’t really solve anything. Instead, I developed different coping mechanisms to deal with different events in my life. And they work just as well, if not better than food.

Sometimes, when I’m stressed out or angry, I cry. I’ve learned that it’s ok. I tend to feel better afterwards and it doesn’t cost me a single calorie.

I also have much more self confidence than I ever had. I find I’m not trying to be perfect all the time in order to hide something and to get people to like me. Instead, I’m doing it because I want to. My attitude has changed. I’m not afraid to say "no" to people anymore and I have developed a certain respect for myself, knowing that I deserve and should expect only the very best.

For the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my skin and I’m not embarrassed all the time. I’m not as concerned about what people think about me. I know that the people who love me, love me for who I am...good and bad. They would still love me just as much if I didn’t have this surgery, but their support through this process has been invaluable to me.

Lastly, I am finally happy with myself. Even though I know I’ll lose more weight, if I didn’t lose another pound I would be content with my life. This is really the first time I have ever said that and really meant it.

In the last few weeks, I had really hoped I would have lost 100 lbs by today to make it look really pretty when I was sharing on here. (I love nice round numbers!) But, as I continue to look back, I find my greater accomplishment is not what I have lost…but it is what I have gained.

So today, It's not about the numbers at all...and I just couldn't be happier!