Gastrically Changed

Happy Birthday, Dad!

2011-11-11T03:41:00.001-05:00

Soooo…I went to yoga with Beth today…for the first time in a loooong time. For some reason, I continue to believe I am experienced at yoga. But I’m just not.

In fact, I usually just silently giggle my way through the whole class….just trying to keep up with the yoga teacher….(aka: Speedy Gonzales)…and to not fall on my butt. By the end, my whole body was sore. But I like it anyways. It’s good to change it up every once in a while. It keeps life interesting.

But today was more than just a yoga day. It was my dad’s birthday. And that is just totally awesome. : )

In the beginning, my family was really concerned about my decision to have this surgery. It was hard, but I completely understood why. I went forward with it anyway because I KNEW it was the best move for me. Regardless of how they felt, they helped me through the stressful times, and agree with my decision now…but most of them still don’t think it would be the right choice for them.

And I respect that.

My family has always been in a constant state of weight loss. (Some times more serious than others!) Different things work for different people, but my dad had been asking me a lot about my surgery and how it worked. I always encouraged trying diet and exercise first, because it is the less risky option. But that’s not always what people want to hear.

So, for Mother’s and Father’s day, I set up a 1:1 session for Beth to go to my parent’s house and set up a program for them. I was worried about their health (like only a daughter who is a nurse can) and I really just wanted to give them the gift of feeling as good as I did.

Well, the session stirred something up…especially in my dad…and over the summer (after months of me harassing him to come) my dad accepted an invitation to try the TNT boot camp with me. I was shocked because, to be honest, I never actually thought he ever say yes.

Well, not only did he come with me…he did AWESOME. He signed up for 2 months of programs and has been dropping LBs like it’s his JOB! He’s following a healthy diet and eating the best I have ever seen. And his diet and exercise regimen has inspired my mom to diet and start her own work out program. He didn’t even want a birthday cake this year!

I’m SO proud.

It’s also really cool to work out with my dad on Saturday mornings. We never really had a special “thing” that we did together…just the two of us. Boot camp has become our special time. He motivates everyone in the class and totally keeps me on my toes when Beth isn’t looking. There s nothing like your dad telling you that you’re slacking off to get you going again.

I absolutely LOVE it.

Why am I sharing this? Well, for one, I think it’s good to see that diet and exercise are great things to try before you consider something more serious, like surgery. I know I’ve said it before, but I believe surgery isn’t the “be all, end all” solution for weight loss. It will work for some people, but not for others. You should really try other things before you settle on surgery.

Secondly, I wanted to tell you how awesome it is to see my family getting healthy. THEY are inspiring ME to stay on track…and I just feel so happy about it.

Really.

Like, “warm fuzzy feeling” happy! :: smile ::

I guess I just want there to be A LOT more “happy birthdays” in my family’s future…even if we have to skip the birthdays cake, sometimes!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD!!!!!

Answers for anonymous...

2011-10-21T00:27:00.001-04:00

I friggin’ love it when you guys comment on my blog.

:: big smile ::

Every time you do, I get a little e-mail and it makes my heart skip a beat. It reminds me that you guys are really there reading….that I am helping some of you…and each one motivates me to keep writing.

So the other day I got this little comment from someone who is about to have surgery next week:

"Hi Kristen,

You look fantastic and I am so happy to see that you are updating your blog again. Like many others I check it several times a week! I am having my surgery on Monday and have found your blog to be more helpful than even what the doctor's, nutritionists, etc have said. I do have a couple questions for you if you have the time.

1. Did you experience a lot or any extra skin after your weight loss? If so, what did you feel worked best for you to help with that. I am worried about that. I am hoping to lose about 100lbs and understand that extra skin is unavoidable but any tips would be appreciated.

2. Looking back on your journey, do you have any advice or anything you wish you knew before going through the surgery?

Again, thank you for your blog!"

I know that having someone to ask questions is important, so I never mind answering as many as I can. But, since a lot of you don’t send me a personal message with somewhere private to respond to, I always assume it is ok for me to answer them in a post. And until someone says otherwise, I’m just going to go with it.

SO…That being said, let me see if I can answer some of these great questions.

Excess skin was my worst fear ever. I had horrible visions of floppy “bat wing” arms and jiggling belly skin. In fact, it bothered me so much that I wrote about it in one of my first blog entries here. I knew I didn’t want to trade the skin for the scars that came with the surgeries, so I did the only other thing I could think of.

I hit the gym. Specifically, the weights.

Currently, do I have excess skin? Sure I do. Right now the most noticeable skin on my body is on my belly, but you can’t really tell through my clothes. At some point, I plan to have an abdominoplasty (AKA: tummy tuck) but I feel that is something I’m not going to pursue until after I have babies.

I mean…what’s the point of doing that BEFORE having a pregnant belly….right?!?

There is also a minimal amount of excess skin in my arms, legs, and butt…but you can hardly tell (especially in my arms) because of the fact that I decided to weight train as I lost weight. Personally, I hired a trainer to teach me how to exercise…which helped a ton…but it is certainly something you could do in a class or on your own! I understand that having a trainer may not be an option for everyone, but I rationalized it by thinking about all the money I was saving by not having to spend so much on food! Seriously though, learning how to exercise and sticking with it for almost 2 years is the number one thing that has made this surgery so successful for me.

No question.

To answer your second question, I truly wished that before this surgery I had realized how important it was to write down my thoughts...how I was feeling…what I was going through. Oh, what I would give to have started this blog from day one….or even a few weeks before I went into the hospital. Because, funny as it sounds to you now, as time goes on…and the weight goes down…you forget what it was like to be fat.

I frequently go back and read posts from over a year ago. They remind me of how far I’ve come. And, through tougher times, they really keep me going forward.

You don’t have to write in a public forum, like I do. Buy a journal and just jot things down as they come to you. Keep track of your weight loss. And no matter what you think PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, take “before” pictures. You don’t ever have to show them to anyone, but I promise you will want them for yourself.

I didn’t take them and I’ve regretted it every day since.

Well, I hope I’ve helped. Good luck with your surgery on monday! Keep me posted on how you are doing. And remember that the first weeks are the toughest mentally, but there is light at the end of the foodless tunnel…promise!

-Kristen ; )

Wedding dress bliss...

2011-10-19T03:48:00.000-04:00

Wedding dress shopping is something I (like every girl) has dreamed about my entire life. In my frequent job as bridesmaid, I had always helped my friends with the planning of their weddings. And in the process of doing this important job, I would always find little things I knew I wanted in my own wedding that I would tuck into the back of my mind.

It was a nice perk.

One of those things I found and settled on was my dream wedding dress. It was a Priscilla of Boston. A-line…silk taffeta…big skirt…HUGE price tag. But I never really considered it, because…honestly…I never thought I could fit into it.

Until now.

Since the wedding was less than a year away, I figured I wasn’t being absolutely nuts if I started looking at dresses. What the heck, right? So I made an appointment and took my mom and Chris’s mom to the local David’s bridal store. And it was just was awesome.

I remembered the days when I would go with my bride friends to try on bridesmaid dresses and not fit into the samples. The amount of embarrassment at not only the measurements the poor woman had to take, but the actual SIZE dress I had to buy was almost more than I could take.

I absolutely wanted to D-I-E. (or eat a pizza….you know…whatever made me feel better at the time)

But last week, I walked around the store and picked up any wedding dress I wanted to try on….and generally…they all zipped right up. It was the best feeling ever…a real confidence booster. I felt like an absolute princess the whole time. But, although I felt beautiful in almost all of the dresses I put on, none of them were “my dress.”

That dress haunted me the whole time. I wanted it…needed it...and of course had to see it on my body. So, I made and appointment at Priscilla's. And once I finally put the dress on, my heart almost stopped.

It was perfect.

Well, thank god for my mother. Because, with some tears…my mother’s deal wielding skills…and the fact that Pricilla’s of Boston had decided to go out of business a few months ago, I squeezed this dress into the budget and got the most beautiful (and most expensive) dress that I will ever put on my body.

That’s right…I got my Priscilla.

It was the best birthday present a girl could ever ask for. And it literally PAINS me not to put a picture of it on here. I want to share with you all the gorgeousness that is this dress…but I just don’t trust Chris not to peek. (yes Chris, I know you read this and I don't trust you!)

So, my lovely readers, you will have to wait for the wedding…just like him. But, it will be totally worth it.

I promise.

Thirty...

2011-10-19T03:36:00.004-04:00

Thirty. Seriously…It’s a huge number.

You know, its funny…I feel like I was way more worried about turning 30 when I was 26 or 27 than I was on my actual birthday. To be perfectly honest, I didn’t feel or look much different that I did the day before.

Yes, I check for wrinkles now. Don’t judge.

Chris treated me to a delicious birthday dinner in the north end. I ordered a fantastic brick oven pizza with fresh mozzarella, ricotta, cherry tomatoes, roasted peppers, artichoke hearts, and prosciutto. (and I luckily got to eat it twice more at home the next day!) We even stopped for a cannoli on the walk back to the car. (A little too much sugar? Sure...but it was my birthday and totally worth the heart racing and dizziness afterwards)

All in all it was wonderful.

When we were going to bed Chris asked me if I was happy being 30. I told him I was. But it started a discussion about different things I always thought I would have done by this point in my life…like be married…and have children. Chris reminded me of what I already have accomplished in my life and told me I have plenty of time to still do these other things. And he is totally right.

But, I told him one of the real things I really wished I had done earlier in my life was to have had this surgery. God knows where I could be now if I had this much strength and the confidence in my early 20s. I mean, I’m shaking my head right now just thinking about it.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda…eh? But…Chris is wise…and after my tangent, said something to me in the way only he does. Simple. Analytical. Right to the point.

“But then we may not have met…so I guess everything worked out in the end.”

This is why I love him. Growing up, we had been in the same room before and never come together. There is a reason 29 year-old Kristen met Chris and not 22 year-old Kristen. Do I know exactly why?…no. But someday I may.

Until then, all I know is that all the experiences I have had in the past 30 years have made me who I am and given me the wonderful life I have today. And I have the whole rest of my life to have different good and bad experiences to make me who I will be.

A wife? A mother? Best selling author? Sky’s the limit...

What I do know for sure? 30 is certainly going to be my best year yet...And everything will always work out in the end.

::wink wink::

Do you want to be a mermaid...or a whale?

2011-10-06T01:11:00.000-04:00

I continue to have insomnia.

Awesome.

So, as I cruise the internet for fantastic wedding ideas, new shopping deals, and try to figure out how to read my newsfeed on "the new Facebook," I came across this post and picture shared by a friend.

The message here really touches me and really puts things in perspective as I continue to fear I am not "thin enough." There is nothing wrong with who you are...as long as you are happy and healthy!

: )

Enjoy!

-Kristen

#####################################################

A while back, at the entrance of a gym, there was a picture of a very thin and beautiful woman. The caption was "This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?"

The story goes, a woman (of clothing size unknown) answered the following way:

Dear people,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, seals, curious humans), they are sexually active and raise their children with great tenderness.

They entertain like crazy with dolphins and eat lots of prawns. They swim all day and travel to fantastic places like Patagonia, the Barents Sea or the coral reefs of Polynesia.

They sing incredibly well and sometimes even are on cds. They are impressive and dearly loved animals, which everyone defend and admires.

Mermaids do not exist.

But if they existed, they would line up to see a psychologist because of a problem of split personality: woman or fish?

They would have no sex life and could not bear children.

Yes, they would be lovely, but lonely and sad.

And, who wants a girl that smells like fish by his side?

Without a doubt, I'd rather be a whale.

At a time when the media tells us that only thin is beautiful, I prefer to eat ice cream with my kids, to have dinner with my husband, to eat and drink and have fun with my friends.

We women, we gain weight because we accumulate so much wisdom and knowledge that there isn't enough space in our heads, and it spreads all over our bodies.

We are not fat, we are greatly cultivated.
Every time I see my curves in the mirror, I tell myself: "How amazing am I?!?!

(The girl on the picture is French model Tara Lynn)

Pinch me...

2011-10-05T06:58:00.000-04:00

In less than 2 weeks, I am going to be 30.

Somehow, I haven’t been as worried about it as I though I would be. Maybe it’s because I have Chris in my life now…or maybe it’s because I keep hearing that ”30 is the new 20”…but it’s coming whether I like it or not. And I feel unexpectedly ready.

My life…my personality…basically all of who I am has changed for the better since I’ve had this surgery. I know I’ve said it before, but this was the best decision of my life. And despite the friends and family I may have lost during this process, if I had the choice, I would do it all again. No question.

When I look back of this journey I chose to take, I never could have imagined I would have ended up here. Honestly, I never thought I would or could ever have been so happy.

But I am. And it is just so good.

I know that who I am and how I live my life has only changed and grown for the better. But despite all the personal and mental growth I have made, I can honestly say the best thing that has happened to me since my surgery is the fact that I met Chris.

I didn’t believe there was another person on this earth that could be such a perfect match for me as he is. I love him so much, but in a different way than I have ever felt about anyone in my entire life. It’s just so hard to explain. Having him with me just makes sense. I can’t even imagine my life without him.

And, luckily, from now on…I don’t have to.

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen...last Friday, September 30^th, this girl got engaged. And the kicker? It happened exactly one year and 4 days after the “Lookin’ for love” post I wrote when I was feeling so alone.

Goosebumps? Yeah…me too…

Since this surgery, my life has been like a dream. Or at least a really cheesy TV movie on “Lifetime.” Girl loses weight…changes life…grows as a person…meets the man of her dreams…he “puts a ring on it”…and they live happily ever after. (Book deal? Screen play? I’m certainly accepting offers…)

I love who I am now and I feel like starting a life with Chris is where exactly I was supposed to end up. Knowing that the rest of my life is going to be spent with him by my side just seems like the perfect finale to this chapter in my life. Just the perfect place to run the credits and leave everyone feeling happy and comfortable.

But to me, this isn’t the end…it’s just the beginning. And everything is just perfect.

Pinch me.

Forget Me Not...

2011-10-05T05:33:00.002-04:00

So, Beth had been haunting me for the whole summer about how the TNT fit club‘s running group was running the “Forget Me Not” 5K road race for Alzheimer’s research…and that I should join them.

I think I tried to come up with every conceivable reason why I shouldn’t run it. I was working the night before. I was working the night after. I hadn’t trained enough. I would sweat too much. I was scared that I wouldn’t finish. I thought I may actually die.

But, none of it phased her. Shocking.

So, when I had the opportunity to switch off work the night before the race, and knew I would at least be able to sleep beforehand, I begrudgingly agreed. Running a road race is something I have secretly wanted to do my entire life. So, Beth finally appealed to the tiny sliver of my “inner runner” and when I said yes I almost immediately felt nauseated.

I have been running with Beth for almost a year now. Sometimes we run for our whole session and sometimes we just run a few miles as a warm up. I love and hate it all at the same time. I love that I physically CAN run. It’s something I have never been able to do…even if I wanted to. But running is hard. And "hard" just plain scares me sometimes.

So, this past Sunday was race day. I did everything I was supposed to. I ate my carb-ish breakfast 2 hours before. I made my playlist for my iPod. I peed at least 15 times. And before I knew it...it was race time….and there I was…#22 pinned to my shirt….standing in a group of people looking waaaay less nervous than me.

As we started, I stuck with Beth for the first 2 miles...afraid to leave her side. But, trying to keep up with her, I lost my concentration...lost the rhythm to my breathing...and nearly thought I was going die. Despite all of that, with tears in my eyes, I kept running. Beth slowed my pace and told me keep going. She told me I could do it...over and over.

And just like always, for some crazy reason, I believed her.

I didn’t have a goal time to beat. I just wanted to finish the whole race…without stopping…running the whole time. And somehow, I did that…in 34 minutes and 1 second…with Beth’s hand on my back as I crossed the finish line.

It was one of the proudest moments of my life. And one I will certainly not forget.

Summer 2011

2011-10-05T05:13:00.004-04:00

Hi...

Remember me?

With the way my life has been going, I not only find it hard to find the time to write…but I find it harder to come up with interesting things to say. I wonder to myself if you guys are really interested in hearing me drone on about the details of my life, despite the fact that most of what I have to say is not “gastric bypass” related.

But today I got this in my e-mail:

After reading this, I felt so guilty. So, while trying to sleep tonight, I just laid there awake with words tumbling around in my head…just inspired to write. And my body appears to not let me sleep until I take care of this. So here we are.

Let me start by getting you up to speed to what has lived up to be the best summer of my life.

This June, Chris and I vacationed in Port St. Lucie, FL…or as I like to refer to it “Golf Central, USA.” My fantastically awesome parents gave us a week at their time share to use and we had an amazing time!

I know…they totally rule.

I was so excited that Chris could play golf...a lot of golf. Him being gone for 4 hours in the morning gave me my own time to spend at the spa getting massaged and hanging out in my "bought in the regular sized section" swimsuit. Or should I say "swimsuits"...since I did buy 3 this year! But, I also did something pretty unexpected.

This is me, collapsed
after running 3miles
for the first time
EVER!

I worked out on my vacation.

Yup. This girl brought her gym clothes and running shoes to Florida…and used them! In fact, running there was so much fun I ran 3 miles….twice. Even now, thinking about it, I chuckle. Sometimes seeing how my personality has totally changed really boggles my mind. It’s awesome.

Besides hanging out in Port St. Lucie, we also spent a couple of days at the happiest place on earth…Disney World! I absolutely loved it….and Chris certainly indulged my child-like excitement. There is just something about being in love at Disney. It’s totally cliché and sappy but, I felt like a princess the whole time.

It was a fantastic summer. I continue to eat like a normal person and actually have been able to eat more than ever, recently. For the first time in over a year I have actually had to be conscious of what I put in my mouth for fear of gaining weight.

July 18^th, I was 18 months post-op. The doctor told me that this is the point in your recovery where you are on your own. The surgery is no longer causing you to drop pounds for no reason and it’s up to you to stay at your goal weight. Luckily for me, I remain at a comfortable 177-181lbs. I have watch what I eat because if I am naughty, I know will, as I often say, “dump so hard.”

I continue to work out on a regular basis. This summer, I worked really hard on transitioning on motivating myself to get to the gym on my own at least once a week. As in…by myself. No Beth. No formulated program. Just me and my own little brain trying to figure everything out.

I don’t know why I am so freaking scared of being at the gym without Beth. I know most of it is because I just miss seeing her and chatting about life, but I still think I have some PTSD from high school gym class. Becoming an “independent exerciser” is an important part of my metamophasis as a person. But it didn’t make it any easier to start. When I told her how nervous I was about the fact that people might be looking at me while I was there, she said something that was completely unexpected.

“Really, Kristen?….I mean, who do you think you are?”

This really caught me off guard and I was shocked. But she continued to explain that people go to the gym to work-out and no one really cares what I’m doing there.

And she was so right.

I haven’t felt bad being alone at the gym since. Now, the only hard part is getting motivated enough to get out of my warm bed at 8am.

We’re still working on that...

Lost and Found

2011-06-20T16:15:00.002-04:00

Hey y’all…

I know I know….I let my blog go dormant for a while. This “being in love” thing has really started to rule my life. But, honestly, I couldn’t be happier…and doing all those “lovey dovey” relationship type things with Chris has taken up so much time…but in SUCH a good way.

It’s awesome.

Anywhoo, I was on my computer today and found a half written blog that I never finished from Easter. I thought finishing and posting it would be the best was to revive this blog and get myself back on track. So stay tuned…there is WAY more to come…

Xoxo

Kristen

**********************

Easter 2011...Meeting the families!

When I was a little girl…oh, maybe 10 years old…my mother took my sister and me aside and told us that the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy retired.

I’m totally not even kidding.

So, I haven’t had an Easter basket since then. And I never really cared because candy wasn’t my thing anyways. I was more excited about the ham and mac and cheese. Which is a perfect example of how I got into this situation in the first place…but I digress…

This year, I was fortunate enough to have Chris’ parents, grandfather, sister (Michelle) and her boyfriend (James) over to my house a few days before Easter for dinner. Chris cooked some delicious food, we drank more wine than we should have, and decorated Easter eggs while laughing up a storm.

It was so awesome.

Our artwork!

My egg
So cute, right?

Chris' egg
I swear, he did that on his own!

Also, for the first time in almost 20 years, I was given an Easter basket, thanks to Chris' mom, Ann. (Mostly sugar free, of course…) Seriously, I love Chris’ mom....and I legit pray on a regular basis that this woman becomes my mother-in-law someday.

Anyway, I ended up with about a million hard-boiled eggs in my fridge. Something I haven’t made in a really long time. And it really reminded me about what a great snack they were when I first started eating more solid foods post op.

I hated the yolks, but I loved an egg white with a little salt and pepper sprinkled on it for breakfast. They are a super great source of protein and were a good change from eating oatmeal….every….single….day.

This time I had them as snacks and cut up on salads. It was delicious and made me feel way healthier about eating an occasional Resse’s peanut butter egg!

We ate the actual Easter dinner at my parent's house and then went to meet Chris' family for dessert. I had butterflies the entire time, but all of the introductions went well and, like I said, Chris' family is just phenomenal!

Back row: Chris, Uncle Bill, Jillian, Mike
Front row: Me, Mom, Dad

Personally, I think my acceptance had a lot to do with the chocolate chip cookie brownies I brought, but who knows... (they are a delicious and easy dessert...but soooo not post-op friendly! Seriously, beware. They are dump central. ) Check out the recipe! FYI...I did not frost them and they were just fine. I mean....holy extra calories, Batman!

So post-op life is grand. I wish I knew a year ago that my life was going to be this good. It would have made my recovery a lot easier to take, mentally. Just remember, post-op buddies....there IS a light at the end of this "foodless" tunnel! I promise!

Gastric bypass on Chronicle....

2011-04-29T10:19:00.000-04:00

This is a pretty cool story that was aired on Chronicle a few weeks ago about a woman's 10 month gastric bypass recovery. Check it out!

"In high school, Colleen Michaels-Walsh weighed 550 pounds. Over the succeeding years she lost and gained weight, jeopardizing her health, her work life, and worrying her family. Finally, she decided to take a drastic measure: gastric bypass surgery. Over the last ten months, Chronicle followed her progress as she attempted to regain control of her life; tonight, Anthony Everett tells her story." -Chronicle website

Making goals...

2011-04-28T11:59:00.001-04:00

In the essay I had to write to be accepted into the gastric bypass center, they asked you why you wanted to have this surgery. There were a lot of really good things I could have written to answer this simple question. Improving my heath…looking better…becoming more active. Instead, I just wrote the first thing that popped into my head.

I wanted to fit into the seats at Fenway.

Despite my outward “girly girl” appearance, I enjoy watching (NOT playing) sports. I was brought up watching lots of games with my dad and now that I’m older, going to games has become one of my favorite things to do….when I can afford it.

But, even though I enjoyed it, I can remember the anxiety that I felt about one simple thing.

The seats.

The constant wondering if my butt was going fit in and not bust out of the sides of the seat was just horrible. Even when I could squeeze my ginormous behind in there, I was extremely uncomfortable and the anxiety about it could almost ruin my whole time.

Well, a few weeks ago, Chris took me to a Bruins hockey game at the Bank North Garden in Boston. It was the first time I had been to a sporting event since my surgery and I was really excited.

We had a quick pizza dinner before we went in. This was naughty, I know, but I only ate a piece and a half of pizza and was SO full…(instead of the whole pie I used to be able to eat!)

When we went inside and sat down, I was surprised by how comfortable I was….There was space on both sides of my butt and I could even cross my legs. It was the first time I had a “gastric bypass moment” in a REALLY long time and it really made me smile.

Even though it rained and I looked like a wet dog that night, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was fun to see the game…but it was just as fun to know I made some of my own "goals" that night, as well!

Gastric bipass and diabetes...

2011-03-31T01:58:00.001-04:00

So I was shopping, the other day and ended up at the nail salon. I was only there for a minute, but when I stepped in, I saw part of this clip on the ABC news. And as a nurse I was amazed.

I have watched patients (and loved ones) suffer and die from complications related to diabetes. Seeing how much a gastric bipass can help is so exciting because I'm sure it can save so many people.

Take a peek at the clip if you have time!

Answers for Chrissi...

2011-03-15T20:48:00.006-04:00

The Fact that people find my story interesting still makes me feel a little weird.

Don’t get me wrong, though! I’m glad that what I’ve done or what I’ve said has helped or inspired people to go make positive change in their lifestyle. The effect I have apparently had on people has been a consequence of having this surgery that I never expected. But, when I really think about all the people who I don't know, who know all about me...well...it just makes me chuckle.

That being said, I LOVE getting comments from you guys...telling me what you are doing or asking me questions. It really makes me feel like I am doing this for a reason…and keeps me writing.

So, I guess this is another reminder to feel free to ask me questions, or leave me comments...and I will always do my best to try and help you out!

Anyway, this is a comment that was left on my last entry by Chrissi. Since she posted these questions publicly and they may be relevant to other curious readers, I figured it would be OK to answer her questions here.

***********************

Hi Kristen.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. My husband and I enjoy reading your blog. I've been doing a fair amount of research on the surgery an I feel your blog has given just what I was looking for....information from a real person I can relate to about the surgery.

My husband's doctor is recommending the surgery and he will be meeting with the psychologists soon.. Also, my doctor has been recommending me to see a nutritionist and I think the surgery might be in my future too. I am nervous because it is major surgery, as you know and I sometime find that I dwell on the complications more than I should.

I am sure you must get a lot of requests for information. Would it be possible for you to share the name of your surgeon? Also, did you meet with more than one surgeon before making your decision on who would do the surgery? How long was the process from the doctors/insurance ok until you had the actual surgery? I know you are busy with your life. Congratulations, you look amazing. I don't think I mentioned that yet.

I would appreciate any information you are willing to provide me with.

Thanks!

************************

Chrissi-

I had my surgery done at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center. Check out the Weight Loss Center's" website here.

My surgeon's name is Dr. Benjamin Schneider, but there are a few surgeons @ BIDMC that perform bariatric surgery. He was the only surgeon I met with before my surgery and because I liked him so much, I didn't feel the need to meet with anyone else. Dr. Schneider was phenomenal and (if you live in the Boston area) I would recommend him 100%.

The process to schedule my surgery from start to finish took a few months. (I got my referral in October, scheduled my surgery in January, and had my surgery in February.) The first thing I had to do was to go to my primary care physician to get a referral to the weight lost center. There were then several appointments with medical doctors, nutritionists, social workers, and psychologists. Once I was approved by all of these people, I then made an appointment with the surgeon. As soon as he approved me, I scheduled my surgery.

In the beginning of the process, the center gives you a list of questions to ask your insurance company to see if you qualify and to find out how much of your surgery will be covered. The entire cost of my surgery was covered, minus some doctor visit co-pays and a one time fee required by the center. (I called it the "make sure you are serious" fee, but they said it covered costs of things not reimbursed by insurance. It was 400-500$.)

Depending on your insurance your timing and coverage may be different. The center seemed to know the different methods with the different insurance companies. I was actually shocked at how easy it was.

I hope this helps! Thanks for the compliments and good luck on your journey. I hope you will keep me posted on how it goes! : )

-Kristen

Confessions of a skinny girl...

2011-03-07T19:05:00.001-05:00

I know a lot of people have been wondering why I haven’t been writing…asking me if falling in love has replaced my desire to write.

Well, yes…I do have less free time on my hands now that Chris is in my life. But this is not the main reason I haven’t written in awhile. Basically, I’ve been bad. And I didn’t want to tell everyone about it.

But, in order to try and fix it, I think I need to write about what's been going on….so here we go.

For the past 4-5 months or so, I really haven’t had to worry too much about “what” I ate. I could pretty much eat anything I wanted until I was full….which generally didn’t take very long. I was always losing weight…no matter what. But over the past 8 weeks or so, I’ve been dealing with something that has me really worried.

Not only can I eat way more than I’m used to….for the first time in over a year, I have actually gained weight.

9 horrifying pounds.

I think a lot of it has to with my new relationship with Chris. Between the both of us, we have about a million friends and family. And I feel like every time I meet someone new, it involves dinner and a bottle of wine. It all adds up…mainly on my ass.

Most of the time, when it’s just us, we do try to eat at home with Chris cooking dinner. And he really does cook some delicious, healthy meals. But for me, this is completely different than my usual lean cuisine situation where I just eat everything in the little plastic dish and I’m done. Since I really can eat more now, portion control has become a problem. It often surprises me about how much I can actually eat now, if I really try.

Another major problem is grazing. I have reassumed this horrible habit and it frustrates me so much. I picked it up at work, where grazing is a way of survival. We have a countertop there that I have to walk by…mmm…maybe 100 times a night. And we all like to cover this countertop with horrible (although delicious) snacks.

Chips, candy, cookies, brownies, cheese, crackers…it’s all there. And when you are running around without time to sit for a proper meal (while also trying to stay awake all night) you eat what’s fast or you drown. So I eat it….one small handful at a time. It’s just not good at all.

I have also been naughty about taking my vitamins and at my last doctor’s appointment, my levels were so low that they basically doubled my prescriptions. Yikes.

The good news? I still go to the gym religiously. But I can feel the difference in how I’m working out with how I’m eating. Running is so much harder than it used to be and I really have to fight myself to stay on the treadmill for the 2 miles that I’m supposed to. I know it’s how I’m eating…and so does Beth.

So…basically…I’m scared shitless.

I was talking to my cousin about just this thing the other day. Now that he can eat more food, he is scared too. I am reassured by this…knowing that I’m not the only one to feel this way. Gaining a little weight back is a normal part of this process, but some people can go further than that, gaining all of their weight back. And that is what frightens me. I’ve worked too hard to get to where I am right now…and I am so scared I will lose it all.

I absolutely refuse to let this happen.

So, what’s my new plan?

Well, I decided to cut out almost all of my alcohol intake. I lived for almost a year without it and I survived. These are calories that I just don’t need….and I’m pretty sure I won’t miss. There is really no need to drink when I am at home, so I’m keeping alcohol just for special social situations …and I’m just fine with that.

I have also resumed not eating and drinking at the same time. When you eat and drink at the same time, food apparently washes through your pouch faster…making you hungry sooner. So I’m nipping this one in the butt right away…and (unless I’m eating something really spicy) I hardly ever notice.

Both Chris and I have decided to try and eat better. I’ve been trying to pick healthier options when we are out at restaurants. He already cooks so healthy at home, but I talked to him about the portion control isue that I’m dealing with right now. He is going to try and help by not making and plating so much food for me. I think this will be really helpful.

The hardest part is going to be the grazing…mostly at work. Although I do graze a bit at home, the food that I have here is really controlled and rarely bad for me. But at work, it is a completely different story. This is going to take some serious will power.

Basically, I need to learn that I can’t feel full all the time. I need to train my body to accept feeling a little hungry sometimes. And when I do need to snack, it NEEDS to be on healthy things...and if there are no healthy options, I just can't snack at all.

I’ve dealt with some seriously harder things than this throughout the past year and I made it. So far I’ve gotten a couple of these “relationship pounds” off, but I still have a way to go. I know I can do this. And now that I "confessed" about it, I do feel a lot better.

The new Kristen is going to embrace will power. Let's see how she does.

One year later....

2011-02-18T10:09:00.003-05:00

My surgery was on February 17, 2010. A year ago, yesterday.

A year ago today I was just waking up in my hospital bed from surgery the day before. My stomach was killing me and I was thirsty. I began my day staring down a medicine cup of water that I was required to drink in one hour. It may have well been a bathtub full.

My yearlong battle with food was just beginning and I was legitimately scared shitless.

There have been 365 days between then and now. And I almost can’t believe how fast it has gone by. Over the past year, I remember frequently questioning myself…wondering if I had made the right decision. Looking back now, I can honestly say that I did.

As of this morning, my BMI is 26. I have lost 129 pounds and I currently weigh 172 pounds. (at my lowest....I'm sort of playing with a few extra "relationship pounds" at the moment!) I am physically fit, still working out 3 times a week and staying motivated to do so. I also can eat pretty much anything….just in moderation. There really isn’t anything I feel like I can’t try or do.

My life has changed for the better. I discovered that what people think of me is not nearly as important as what I think of myself. For the first time, I’ve found that I really love and accept myself for who I am…inside and out.

I’ve also dealt with challenges I never expected. Some of my friends and family have become distant or stopped communicating with me altogether. But through all this, I was pleasantly surprised with the people I discovered that I could truly depend on.

In the last Chinese food meal I ate before my surgery, my fortune cookie read: “a goal is a dream with a deadline.” Ever since then, I’ve kept this little piece of advice tacked up on my refrigerator because it rang so true to me. When I started this process, I turned my dream of living a happy healthy lifestyle into a goal. And today, I've reached that deadline and achieved that goal in ways I could have never imagined.

I know I have made all of you proud this year, but most importantly, I have made myself proud.

Today, I feel like I can do just about anything, so world, bring it on…I’m so ready.

Will you be my Valentine?

2011-02-15T10:05:00.003-05:00

Like every other “single” person on the planet, I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day.

Generally, I would request to be at work….mostly for my own safety. Being there distracted me from all that Hallmark crap that made this lonely girl in her late 20s suicidal. (In fact, last year's Valentine's Day was the last night I worked before I had my surgery 3 days later.)

It’s not that I didn’t like the sentiment that valentine's day is supposed to represent. I mean, how can you dislike a holiday that encourages people to show love for each other!?!? I just hated the fact that it reminded me that didn’t have a boyfriend. For 24 long and painful hours.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I am loved! I would get Valentine's Day flowers from my godson, Nicholas, who for the past 3 years has been my designated valentine. Sometimes, I would get cards and e-mails form friends and family telling me how love was “just around the corner.” It was sweet, but never completely filled the void for me.

You see, I have never had a “real,” full on, grown–up Valentine’s Day. Ever.

As a bigger person, I didn't think anyone found me attractive. I always assumed that people were judging me by my weight from the very first time they saw me. I never ever expected anyone to want to to get to know me for who I was on the inside. And, as much as I thought that I was “out there” in the dating world, I now realize that I really wasn’t. Looking back, I can see that it was mostly my insecurities that kept me single. Or (since I felt like I should be happy with whomever would take a second glance at me) kept me “pseudo-dating” creeps.

Heartbreaking.

But, I think that over the past year I have gained so much self-confidence that I was finally ready to be in a healthy relationship. And, just as I found myself really ready, I found someone as wonderful as Chris.

Hit the jackpot on my first try? I sure did.

He’s awesome, you guys. Just awesome. I could not have mapped out a more perfect person for me to be with. He is also 29, a teacher to troubled teenagers, and loves the History Channel…just as much as this dork right here.

He’s tall, handsome, and has just the dreamiest blue-grey eyes I have ever seen. On several occasions when we are talking at dinner, I find myself swimming in them and looking like an idiot. I don’t think he has noticed. (Until now because he’ll probably read this…)

He loves to cook…healthy! I totally feared the “eating out constantly” relationship style, but he loves to come to my house, pour me a glass of wine, and make me dinner. And people in his family have had the gastric bypass, so he totally gets that whole situation. It's so awesome because I’m never nervous about what he makes or how to eat in front of him. So, while dating, we both can remain on our respective diets…mostly. (I mean, everyone has to have a "love" brownie every once in awhile!) But we understand and support each other. It's just perfect.

You guys, I’m falling hard for him. We adore each other and, although I can’t say where things will end up, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be with him for a long, long time.

My life is becoming everything I’ve ever wanted it to be. I’m happy. I’m healthy. And for the first time ever, I was somebody’s valentine.

(And in case you were wondering, it was just as fantastic as I thought it would be…<3...)

Chris and Kristen...Valentine's Day...2011

"You're still fat".....

2011-02-01T20:43:00.001-05:00

I love when people comment on my blog. It’s just the coolest thing ever. Every time one of you comments on here, I get sent an e-mail. And I literally get friggin' giddy every time I see one.

Last Sunday, I was at a party with some old friends. (AND my new boyfriend, Chris...but more on him later!) As I casually checked my e-mail on my phone, I noticed that someone commented on my blog. And randomly it was on this one, from last June, where I wrote about my first bathing suit shopping experience “post-op.”

I was excited, so I quickly opened it and this is what I saw:

Wow.

All the insecurities and frustrations that the “fat girl” inside of me used to feel all the time came rushing back with those three little words. I lost my breath. My heart started to race. And I didn’t quite know what to do. So, I pulled myself together. I put my phone away, poured myself another glass of wine, and went back to the party….deciding to continue to have a good time and not think about it again until we left.

I think that when you write a blog and open your thoughts to the public, you have to be prepared for criticism. I have been and have dealt with it pretty well, not only on here, but in person as well. Up until now, this criticism has been constructive…and polite. So, I guess this comment just threw me for a loop.

But only for about 3 seconds.

Sure, I was bigger in that post than I am now, but at that point in my recovery, I had worked really hard to get into that bathing suit. I was proud of myself. And I refuse to let “Anonymous” make me feel anything less. Certainly not with those three little words.

Was I fat back then? Maybe.

Am I "still" fat? No, I don’t think so.

Today, I am happy, healthy, and think I look really good in “skinny jeans.” I weight 172lbs….and have lost 129lbs. I wear a size 8-10…from a size 24-26. I work out 3 days a week and even though I can eat almost anything, I’m still really careful. No one can take this away from me.

When I got in the car after leaving the party, I talked to Chris about what happened. After reassuring me that I was indeed beautiful, he said something that made a lot of sense. “Some people are just stupid…and you can’t fix stupid.” He’s just the greatest.

So, Anonymous…thank you for your comment. It made me realize that, although I am still insecure at times, I have come a long way and I am not as constantly worried about what the world thinks of me. This is a huge step forward for me, so I am even more proud of myself.

You think I’m “still fat”...Good for you.

I think I’m fabulous...inside AND out. We’ll just have to agree to disagree.

Before and After...Boston.com!

2011-01-23T16:13:00.000-05:00

Hey guys! A few days ago, I submitted my "before and after" photos on boston.com here!

When I was deciding about weight loss surgery, "before and after" photos were always such a motivator for me. I remember searching through websites and articles before I had my surgery just hoping and dreaming I could have that kind of success. Now I'm so proud with what I've done and that I can possibly inspire others to it, too.

I know some of you have also had some weight loss success. You should be proud and submit your pictures, too! And, if you are just surfing around, starting to think about losing weight or weight loss surgery, you should take a look at it, as well.

You never know. Maybe you'll be inspired... ; )

DIY: Gastric Bipass?

2011-01-23T15:34:00.001-05:00

Have you guys heard about this?!?!?

A NJ based medical supply company started selling a "do it yourself" gastric bipass kit on Amazon.com! As soon as it hit the news, I stared getting posts on my Facebook wall about it. Although horrified, I kind of thought it was a joke...I mean, really? Do people think this is something that is OK?

Then I saw this:

Finding out that this was a real thing was awful. I honestly can't believe a medical company can be so reckless, while also playing on the emotions of people looking to have this surgery who may not be able to afford it otherwise. Putting a kit like this is in the general public's hands is just unsafe and totally irresponsible!

So, the moral of the story....you shouldn't do your own gastric bipass, or any other surgical procedure, at home....no matter what kind of deal you get on Amazon.com!

Good grief...

My crazy life...

2011-01-13T17:09:00.001-05:00

You may be asking where I have been. Well, there are a couple of answers to that.

First off, as the one-year anniversary of my surgery quickly approaches, my life has become less centered on my surgery. I eat how I eat, I work out regularly, and every once and a while something strikes me as interesting.

That is when I write.

Or at least jot it down to write about later. This system is good and bad, but now that the stress of the holidays is over, hopefully I should be able to focus. In the next few weeks, I'm really hoping to be able to write more.

The past few weeks have also been a bit of a hard time for my family and me. The week before Christmas, my Uncle Nick passed away after a long battle with heart disease and diabetes. He was one of the strongest men I knew and one of my biggest cheerleaders through this surgery. It was devastating.

I loved him so much and miss him terribly. Even though I wish he was still here, I know he suffered so much and is in a better place now. But, no matter how many times I say that to myself, It doesn't make it any easier to get over his loss.

So, this year I decided to run a 5k this year for diabetes research in my uncle’s name. (I figure it will help me be less afraid of running it and keep me from putting it off) I’m still trying to find one close by, so if any of you know of one in MA, please let me know! More to come on that, so I’ll keep you posted.

Lastly, and on a completely happier note, I have officially met someone. I know…crazy, right? But the story how we met is even crazier.

Who is he? Well, he is one of my cousin’s best friends. Yes…my cousin…the son of my uncle who just passed away. We met at the funeral.

Well...sort of.

He spied me there and asked my cousin about me. (Him actually hitting on me at a funeral would have been a way better story, but alas…he is a gentleman) We got in touch a few days after and since then we have pretty much seen each other every day. It's been amazing.

Was it coincidence? Was it fate? Really, I don't know. But whatever the reason, I know that my uncle had a part in it.

You guys, this guy is awesome and for some crazy reason he really seems to adore me! I wish I could go into more detail, but I’ll just leave it at that. Things seem to be moving quickly and we are seeing where it goes, but I’m fairly confident that I am at least in for a long-term relationship with a fantastic guy. I couldn’t be happier.

SO, as you can see, my past few weeks have really had their ups and downs…but I've survived it all and now I can hopefully keep you guys better updated. And when it feels right, I promise that I’ll introduce you to this mystery guy!

Until then, I feel a lot of “dating after surgery” related posts in the future. Be excited. : )

Let it snow?...

2011-01-13T15:15:00.002-05:00

I have a severe “love/hate” relationship with snow.

For me, the first snow of the season brings on excitement. It seems so beautiful coming down out of the sky coating everything in a fresh white blanket. It’s like everything is fresh and new and nothing can go wrong in the world. And, every year, this excitement lasts for…mmmm….maybe 2-3 hours.

After the first few hours of the first big storm of the season the “oh my god I just remembered that snow sucks” anxiety sinks in. Even more so now that I have a house and a job that I have to go to whether it is snowing or not! (essential employees, are you with me on this?!?!?)

But the absolute worst thing about snow is shoveling. Shoveling has to be the worst chore on the planet to do. I hate it. HATE it. And last year, it actually made me cry. This is my driveway last year.

Now, since babies have to be born whether it is snowing or not, I have to go to work whether it is snowing or not…which means that sometimes I have to clear my driveway during a blizzard. You can imagine how fun that is. Last year, we really had only one big storm. And I shoveled my driveway. All by my self. (see the picture above) And cried for about 3 of the 4 hours it took me to do it. I was sweaty, sore, and out of breath by the time I was done. It was awful.

I would love to tell you that this year I was so fit that I shoveled the whole thing in half the time without so much as a sniffle. But screw that.

This year, I bought a snow blower.

It is awesome and most likely the best $700 I have ever spent in my entire life. I had Mike come over and help me (one, because I hate large pieces of equipment that can injure me and two, because he LOVES it) I know shoveling is good exercise and all that, but for my mental health, it had to be done. And I would rather go to the gym and run for an hour than be outside in the cold with a shovel. Hands down.

But even though I was in “this year I have a snowblower” bliss, I realized that I had a big problem. I had nothing to wear outside in the snow!

Seriously, How did I not realize that I needed a coordinating outfit for snow removal? UGH….So annoying. Eventually, I settled on several sweatshirts with a windbreaker and an older pair of jeans. I was freezing the entire time, but it worked. Mike did the driveway with the snowblower, and I shoveled the walkways and the stairs.

Now, I’m not sure if it was because it only took us an hour or so, or if it was because I actually have muscles this year, but I could really feel the difference. The actual “shoveling” part wasn’t nearly as bad as normal, and besides a bit of frostbite, I remained uninjured. And, while Mike finished the driveway (I think he felt bad I was so cold and sent me inside) I made pancakes and sausages for us for breakfast! Delish!

So I guess I can like snow a little bit more now. I still need to harass people to come use my snowblower for me, but I can live with that.

And, hey...at least I get to go shopping for a new outfit!

New day...new year...new resolutions...

2011-01-01T17:02:00.000-05:00

For the first time ever…ever in my life…my New Year’s resolution is not to lose weight.

I almost don’t know what to do with myself.

This was always a no-brainer. Weight loss has been my “go-to” resolution for as long as I can remember. I mean, it was the obvious thing in my life that needed to change. But, now that I have achieved that goal in my life, I can step back and really see what else I can improve in myself.

So, this year I decided to look inside.

This year I have decided to try and be a more optimistic person and to stop complaining so much about what I don’t have or haven’t done. I know I am a complainer and it is fairly obvious when I am not happy and don’t get my way. It is a trait I don’t like in others and I no longer want to see in myself.

That being said, I also want to try be less judgmental of people. Sometimes, I can be very opinionated about what I think is right and how others should live their life and I really want to work on accepting people for who they are…good and bad. It’s not my job to try and change people. Not to mention that expecting people to change all the time hasn’t really gotten me very far…except to make me complain more.

See resolution number one.

Eleven has always been my favorite number. And in my life, eleven is the number that has always brought me good luck. All of the blood, sweat, and tears that I went through in 2010 has really set me up for what I can only imagine will be a fantastic 2011! I am really optimistic that great things are going to happen for me and I can’t wait to see what this year brings.

It’s going to be amazing…I just know it.

Happy New Year, everyone!

Welcome!

2010-12-29T08:54:00.000-05:00

If you are stopping by because of my mention in the "other heath blogs" list on Boston.com's Daily Dose (a part of their heath and wellness section here)...WELCOME!!!

I'm so excited (and honored) for the shout out from them.

Please come back often and feel free to leave comments! : )

I'll be home for Christmas...

2010-12-29T04:49:00.005-05:00

Christmas has to be my most favorite holiday ever. I love getting presents…I love giving presents…and I love the sampling of foods I get to munch on this time of year.

Since I started working as a nurse, I tend to work Christmas eve night shift. Mostly, it’s because I don’t have any little ones to open presents with in the morning. But partly it’s because I can to go straight to my parent’s house after work. This has started a new little Christmas tradition for us...breakfast with just me and my parents.

Normally, I’m not a “breakfast person”...in the sense that I don’t really eat breakfast foods. But, I look forward to this breakfast all year long. My mother will make me anything that I want and this year I requested pancakes and sausages. Because my mom is awesome, it was hot and ready when I got there. I ate 2 small pancakes and 2 sausages and was totally full.

It was great. (and by great, I mean friggin’ delicious.) But while I was sitting there with my parents eating and chatting about my “Christmas delivery” at work (babies really are the BEST presents!) my dad looked over and said something to me that made me stop for a second.

“ You know...you take really small bites now.”

I paused, looked down at my fork, and saw what looked like a normal sized bite to me. (Then again, this is the girl that ate with baby utensils for 3-4 months…) I didn’t really know what to say.

So, slightly confused, I think I said...“Yeah...I guess so!” and just continued eating.

Since my surgery, I am continuously amused by not only how my eating has changed, but also by how different my actual perceptions of food are. I suppose my servings are smaller and my eating style is different. But at this point, I don’t even realize it anymore.

It's awesome.

This Christmas, I ate what I felt like was a lot of things. I just ate them in moderation. And during the entire day, I felt completely satisfied and never felt like I was missing out on anything!

The whole day was perfect, But one of the most exciting parts of Christmas for me was getting my brand new UGG boots. Whether you love them or hate them, I've wanted a pair for years. But when I went to the store to try them on, they wouldn’t fit over my calves. (A problem I’ve had with boots my ENTIRE life!) But this year that isn’t a problem, and I will be stylin’ the streets of Boston in the finest of sheepskin footwear. Thanks, Santa!!!

:: happy dance ::

What a great holiday after the most fantastic year. I can only hope yours was just as fantastic! Merry Christmas, everyone!

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-25T01:22:00.001-05:00

I know I've been a little MIA. There was a death in my family last week which has really made it difficult for me to write. I will be blogging about it later this week.

I remember last year at this time I had already decided that I wanted to have my surgery, but I was still waiting to find out if I had been approved by my surgeon. My appointment with him was the last week of December. I can't believe it's been almost a year.

I did want to come on here really quickly to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and happy holidays! I am so thankful for all my friends and family this year that have helped me through everything. Your support is the best gift I could have ever received!

This year has really been amazing and I love you all so much!

xoxo

Kristen

Answer: The reactions of family, friends, and strangers to my surgery....

2010-12-10T14:51:00.002-05:00

Are you experiencing any change in how your family or friends treat you? How about strangers?

In general, being a skinnier person has totally changed the way people treat me. I continue to observe it and addressed it in a previous blog entry called "Polite wisdom..." But, I think your question was more about how people treat me once they know I have had a gastric bipass. So I'm just going to go with that.

The way strangers act when I tell them I’ve had a gastric bypass is just plain weird.

I get a variety of responses from them. There are the people who are shocked…the people who feel sorry for me…and the people who know someone who has had this surgery and want to tell me their whoooole story.

In the beginning, while I was still a bigger person, there was a lot of “Oh…you didn’t NEED to do that!"..."You weren’t THAT big!”...or “I would never do anything THAT DRASTIC to lose weight!" from people. But I feel like, back then, I had a lot more explaining to do because of the way I ate or how I was feeling….etc etc. Currently, it doesn’t really come up much, but when it does people usually look at me and just say “Wow. You look great.”

From the beginning I decided to be open about my decision to have weight loss surgery, and not to try and hide it or be ashamed. I usually just take people's reactions in stride...good and bad...and chuckle about it later.

The way my friends and family reacted to my decision to have this surgery can best be described as “concerned.” I think this was normal, since this is a major elective surgery that can have some unfortunate complications and has had some negative press.

Not everyone I told beforehand agreed I should have the surgery done. In my mind, I just knew it was the best decision. So, I tried my best to assure them that everything would be OK and proceeded on. I haven’t regretted that decision once.

Now, after my extremely successful recovery, most of my friends and family are really super supportive and impressed with my new healthy lifestyle. But, despite what I do or say, some of them still aren’t and (even though it was one of the main issues I have dealt with post-op) I have chosen to keep that issue off this blog for almost a year. This is mainly, because I didn’t feel like stoking the flames of this ongoing issue in my life.

But, since you asked I will tell you…as honestly as I can.

Some people still cannot deal with the fact that I chose to have surgery to lose weight. They think I am lazy, self centered, and just taking “the easy way out.” They can’t handle the fact that I am a smaller person, looking great, and have more confidence and self esteem than I have ever had before in my life. And, you know what? That is just fine with me…. Now.

But, when I first had this surgery, the lack of support from some of these people was debilitating. I had a lot going on mentally and had a really difficult time dealing with this particular issue on my own.

I searched all over the Internet to try and see if other people had had such a negative reaction from people close to them. After weeks of looking for help on message boards and on other gastric bypass support group websites, I gave up. There seemed to be no easy solution to this problem.

So, I just cried about it. A lot.

In the end, I succumbed to the distance that was established between these people and myself. It was a difficult decision, but I felt that I needed to do this for my mental health and to facilitate my recovery.

Was I happy about it? No. Was this the right decision? To be honest about it, I'm still not sure.

I am not angry, just hurt by the actions of these people. In a way, I can understand how difficult it can be to see someone so close to you change so drastically. But, what I have come to believe is that no matter how hard I try, I can’t change how these people feel. And at this point, I realize that it’s not my job to do so. They are the only ones who can change their minds and accept the transformation that has happened in me. And when they do I will be here to try and fix things.

So, to answer your question- Yes...people do treat me differently. Sometimes it's just because I'm skinny. Sometimes it's the negative stigma associated with the surgery. And sometimes it's just the way people are dealing with the way I've changed personally.

But, I have come to peace with it all. Hopefully, someday, they will too.

The cost of being skinny...

2010-12-06T02:05:00.004-05:00

One of the first things I did after making the initial decision to have this surgery, was to see if it was going to be covered by my insurance. I knew that I certainly couldn’t afford to pay for it on my own and I didn’t want to get too excited if it wasn’t going to happen for me. Fortunately….(or unfortunately…however you look at it)…my BMI was high enough to have the surgery covered.

Score.

When I got this news, I remember thinking how lucky I was that I was going to have this fantastic surgery and it wasn’t going to cost me a single dime.

But I was wrong. Oh so wrong.

Now, I knew that there would be co-pays and medicines involved that I would have to at least partially pay for. (Did you know chewable and liquid forms of meds tend to be more expensive….yeah, neither did I!) But it’s the OTHER stuff that no one tells you about that will surprise you.

That is until now.

There are “incidental costs” that come along with having this surgery that people should be prepared for. Some of them aren’t even medical, but I feel these things are required for success (and survival) to get you through your first year post op.

The first is special foods. I remember being so excited about how cheap my grocery bill was going to be. And, yes…I certainly buy less food…but what I buy was and is DAMN expensive. Protein shakes, protein bars, fresh fruits and veggies, low cal/low sugar/“diet” meals….it is all disgustingly overpriced. Not to mention the amount of food you have to THROW AWAY because it spoils before you can eat it. (Or because you can’t buy it in small enough portions.) Eventually, I learned how to shop for myself, but occasionally this still happens and throwing away food drives me absolutely bananas.

Next would be exercise expenses. I joined a gym. And got a trainer. Sure, these costs may be considered “optional” by some people. But, since working out was recommended by the physicians, I knew it was important. I also felt becoming more physically fit was a necessity to have the kind of success I wanted….and have had.

And how about the clothing? Oh my lord, the clothing.

I will tell you right now that after this surgery you will need to replace your ENTIRE wardrobe. Don’t believe me? I legitimately have NOTHING in my closet that is over 3 months old. Including shoes…and underwear.

It’s nuts.

When you start dropping weight all you want to do is buy new clothes. It’s natural….and really friggin’ exciting. But resisting this urge is so hard. Don’t get me wrong, you will NEED to buy clothes. But the amount of clothes and where you buy them from will change.

For example, I learned that when you try on a bathing suit that makes you feel good, you will buy it, no matter how much it costs. Like the bathing suit I bought this June (see this post)….that I spent about $150 on…and wore….mmmm….less than 8 times. In the middle of summer, I found that it didn’t fit anymore and I had to buy ANOTHER one. (This time from the sale rack at Sears.)

I felt like every 10 pounds I lost were going to be the last 10…and all I wanted to do was shop for new, cuter, smaller clothes. But after doing this a few times (and donating several hundred dollars worth of “only worn 3 times” clothing) I eventually learned my lesson.

Instead of buying clothes all the time, I started a “new wardrobe” savings account that I will use next year when my weight stabilizes. The thought of the serious amount of finacial damage I will do when I get to use this fund makes me need to take a moment to myself.

..........moment..........

When I was younger, I remember laying in my bed at night…staring at the ceiling and thinking to myself that no matter what the cost, I would pay any amount to be healthy and have a new body. So, does that still apply? Absolutely.

But every once an awhile I think about how, with all the money I’ve spend on gastric bypass “stuff” this year, I could have a nice new car…or could have gone on a fantastic tropical vacation. And I wonder, is it really worth it?

And I answer yes…every single time.

Thankful...

2010-11-25T22:51:00.002-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and your families! I hope your holiday was fantastic!

Mine certainly was.

I spent most of this week curious about how Thanksgiving dinner was going to go for me. It's my first "real" holiday since my surgery and I was nervous. How much was I going to be able to eat? Would I get sick? Would I feel judged? As I rocked my adorable new outfit and sipped a glass of merlot, I realized that it didn't really matter.

I put a little bit of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, green beans, and gravy on my plate. I ate what I could and stopped when I felt full...(what I would consider an "average" portion....maybe half of what I plated) A few hours later, I joined everyone in dessert with a 1/2 piece of cheesecake with fresh blueberries on top. That's all I ate. And it was perfect.

This year has been amazing. I am thankful for so much and to so many people...almost too many to list. But, I really wanted to share my thanks with everyone, so here is a list of some of the things I am thankful for this year:

My job. I love where I work and what I do. Each and every baby is a miracle and delivering them never gets old. Also, my entire work family is just amazing. No really...they are awesome. The people I work with make being there, even on busy nights, even more enjoyable. It's truly a blessing to love what you do for a living.

My house. I work very hard at the aforementioned job to afford my darling little house...and everyday here makes me happy. (I am also thankful for all the people who help me maintain my house...for without you guys, I would probably have had a mental breakdown by now)

My cat. As I embrace my inner cat lady, I realize just how lucky I am to have Gabriel here to keep me company. Depending on how you look at the situation- he keeps me sane....or makes me crazy. Your call.

My friends and family. I am just so thankful for all of my friends and family who have helped and supported me through this entire year...(and even the ones who didn't.) This past year has been full of ups and downs and I know I couldn't have made it through it all without all of the support. I am so lucky and feel so loved!

My surgeon. I often hear horror stories of people with surgeries gone wrong. I was so blessed to have one of the best doctors (and staff) at one of the best hospitals in the country to guide me through this process keeping me healthy. Hence why I work there. It's awesome.

My personal trainer. No matter what I do, Beth continues to believe in me and keep me motivated. She pushes me to my limits and I know that I wouldn't have been nearly as successful with my weight loss this year without her help. Every day I think about how lucky I am that she was the one behind the desk the first day I sheepishly walked into the gym. I love that I went in there looking for a personal trainer and found a friend as well.

My new self. I am so thankful for all of the positive change that has happened to me this year. You can never really know how different your life will be after this surgery, and for me- it is better than I ever could have expected.

It's so nice to really take the time to be thankful for all I have been blessed with this year. I have learned so much and can't wait to see what amazing things next year brings to be thankful for!

Engage with Grace..."blog rally"...

2010-11-18T09:21:00.002-05:00

Making end of life wishes known to your loved ones may be a little off topic for this blog but, as a nurse, this is something dear to my heart.  Please, take a moment this weekend to talk to your families about these important issues!!!

xoxo

Kristen

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We're continuing a tradition at THCB started last year. Asking you to take a moment this weekend to discuss your desires for how to live the end of your life as meaningfully as possible--If you want to reproduce this post on your blog (or anywhere) you can download a ready-made html version here

Last Thanksgiving weekend, many of us bloggers participated in the first documented blog rally to promote Engage With Grace - a movement aimed at having all of us understand and communicate our end-of-life wishes.

It was a great success, with over 100 bloggers in the healthcare space and beyond participating and spreading the word. Plus, it was timed to coincide with a weekend when most of us are with the very people with whom we should be having these tough conversations: our closest friends and family.

Our original mission, to get more and more people talking about their end of life wishes, hasn't changed. But it's been quite a year, so we thought this holiday, we'd try something different.
A bit of levity.
At the heart of Engage With Grace are five questions designed to get the conversation started. We've included them at the end of this post. They're not easy questions, but they are important.

To help ease us into these tough questions, and in the spirit of the season, we thought we'd start with five parallel questions that ARE pretty easy to answer:

Silly? Maybe. But it underscores how having a template like this just five questions in plain, simple language can deflate some of the complexity, formality and even misnomers that have sometimes surrounded the end-of-life discussion.

So with that, we've included the five questions from Engage With Grace below. Think about them, document them, share them.

Over the past year there's been a lot of discussion around end of life. And we've been fortunate to hear a lot of the more uplifting stories, as folks have used these five questions to initiate the conversation.

One man shared how surprised he was to learn that his wife's preferences were not what he expected. Befitting this holiday, The One Slide now stands sentry on their fridge.

Wishing you and yours a holiday that's fulfilling in all the right ways.

(To learn more please go to www.engagewithgrace.org. This post was written by Alexandra Drane and the Engage With Grace team. )

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger...

2010-11-16T15:08:00.001-05:00

One of the things I love to whine about is the inevitable soreness that occurs 24-48 hours after I work out. My personal trainer, Beth, tells me it’s called “delayed onset muscle soreness” or something like that.

I like to call it “a giant pain in my butt”...(or legs...or arms...or back)...

Beth told me that the best was to get rid of the soreness is to stretch and do the same exercise that made you sore in the first place. I was (and still am) hesitant to try this…but it totally works…every single time.

So, when I woke up on Sunday with some pretty sore legs after running sprints at boot camp, I figured I should run a little bit to make myself feel better.

Yes. I said run.

A few weeks ago, Beth informed me I was going to start training to run a 5k. It is something I've wanted to do for a while, so I was pretty excited…and also scared completely shitless.

I have spent my entire life being afraid of running. My personal feeling was that the only time one needed to run was if they were being chased…so I generally avoided it at all costs. Beth had me start slow. Walk for 2 minutes…run for 1 minute. Repeat for 15 minutes at a time.

I was so nervous that I made her stand next to the treadmill the first time. But it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. So, as time has gone by, I have been increasing my run time and decreasing my walk time by 30 seconds, hoping that someday I would be able to run for the whole 15 minutes without stopping.

So Monday morning, in my "post-12hour-night-shift" stupor, I hauled my butt to the gym and hopped on the treadmill for what I thought would be a quick, 15 minute “run/walk”. I walked for a minute (while turning on my iPod) then upped the speed to 4.6 and started running...and watching Ellen. (which happened to be on every single TV in the gym)

I think Ellen is hysterical. I don’t get to see her show all the time but when I do, it thoroughly amuses me. Maybe it’s her dancing, maybe it’s her quirkiness, or maybe it’s just the fact that every time I hear her voice I hear “Dory” from Finding Nemo. I don’t really know, but yesterday she helped me obtain a goal I have wished I could do my entire life.

I intended on running for 2 minutes at a time (my max up to that point) but Ellen thoroughly distracted me and when I looked down I had been running for 3….and I didn’t feel like I was going to die.

Holy. God.

So, I started thinking.

If I can run for 3 minutes, I can surely run for 5….so I did.

Then I figured, if I can run for 5 minutes, I can certainly run for 10…so I did.

After running for 10 minutes I decided I would try to run for 20, thinking I would make it for at least 15.

I don’t know if it was adrenaline, Ellen’s humor, or my lack of sleep, but I refused to stop and when the timer on the treadmill hit 20 minutes, I was so excited I nearly cried! After doing 60 crunches (again, I think it was the adrenaline) I booked it to my car and immediately texted Beth about my accomplishment. I was just so proud of myself.

As of today, I’m down 120lbs. The things I can do now never cease to amaze me. With every new thing I can do, I am reminded that having this surgery was the best decision of my entire life.

Me in my brand new Lululemon groove pants! (A birthday gift from a friend) I absolutely LOVE them and think they make working-out just that much more fun! (and they make my butt look pretty nice, too! : )

Answer: My opinion on the Marie Claire internet controversy...

2010-11-13T13:08:00.004-05:00

I wanted to get your view on this week's Internet uproar on the MarieClaire.com story controversy. Although, the writer apologized (after) for her harsh words about her discomfort towards obese people/ obese people kissing--how do you feel about her original entry?

When I got this question, I had not yet heard about this article. But I am so glad it was brought to my attention.

This woman confirmed for me in one or two pages of writing, everything I feared that people were thinking about me my entire life. This rush of emotion made me so horrified that I think I could have throw up. I felt like my answer was too long to put in the "answers" post, so I'm giving it it's own entry.

I don’t know what kind of people Maura Kelly, the author of this article, finds acceptable in the world.

OH…I’m sorry. I meant HER world. Because we are obviously all here for Maura to judge upon.

I have no idea how this article got published, because it is not only horribly insensitive, but also offensive to anyone who doesn’t fit into what this woman finds appropriate to look at.

SHAME ON YOU, MARIE CLAIRE!!!

Anyone who knows me knows that when I get angry at anything in writing, I like to respond with a point-on-point response. So I copied and pasted this article and responded to every insulting, hurtful, and uneducated statement in it. The black type is the article….the red is my response.

All I really wish is that I could say this to her in person…

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Should "Fatties" Get a Room? (Even on TV?)

The other day, my editor asked me, "Do you really think people feel uncomfortable when they see overweight people making out on television?" Because I can be kind of clueless

Obviously…

I'm not much of a TV person — I had no idea what she was talking about, so she steered me to this CNN article, about the CBS sitcom Mike & Molly. As CNN explains, "the show centers around a couple who meet at an Overeaters Anonymous group [and] has drawn complaints for its abundance of fat jokes [as well as] cries from some viewers who aren't comfortable watching intimacy between two plus-sized actors.

I read that article...it was about how weight shouldn't matter when you get cast for roles in TV and movies. It was great. I haven't see "Mike and Molly" but it sounds great.

My initial response was: Hmm, being overweight is one thing — those people are downright obese!

Annnnd….your point? These people sound happy. Sounds like good TV. Who cares what they look like?

And while I think our country's obsession with physical perfection is unhealthy,

Finally…an intellegnt thought…congratulations.

I also think it's at least equally crazy, albeit in the other direction, to be implicitly promoting obesity!

Oh, so how about the popular show "Dexter" on HBO. It surely promotes becoming a murderer. And how about "True Blood"??? As soon as I watched that one I wanted to become a vampire. Yeah...soooo, I'm fairly certain that when people watched "Mike and Molly" they didn't come away with the thought "Hey, I want to be obese now!"

As a matter of fact, advertising Overeaters Anonymous might even inspire some people to go to a meeting...so...ACTUALLY...they are promoting weight loss!

Yes, anorexia is sick,

I think you meant to say that anorexia is a disease….(just like obesity, by the way)...but you’re the writer here, not me.

but at least some slim models are simply naturally skinny.

Suuuuure they are. Take me to a runway and show me a woman who is 5’10 and a size 00 who is “naturally” that way…

No one who is as fat as Mike and Molly can be healthy.

I’m sorry, are you a physician now? yeah…I thought not.

And obesity is costing our country far more in terms of all the related health problems we are paying for, by way of our insurance, than any other health problem, even cancer.

“Even cancer”? I would like you to site your source for this little gem, please.

So anyway, yes, I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other

Oh, You are “grossed out” when two happy people are kissing each other?!?!?! Well, how about if it were two ugly people making out...or cancer patients...or two alcoholics….would you be so “grossed out” then?

To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

I’m so sorry that all of us “very very fat” people are all up in YOUR world being “aesthetically displeasing” to YOU. We should just go jump off a bridge and let you get on with looking at all the "beautiful" people you approve of…

Now, don't go getting the wrong impression:

Too late…

I have a few friends who could be called plump. I'm not some size-ist jerk.

Actually, yes you are…

and I’m pretty sure your “plump” friends won’t be calling you any time soon.

And I also know how tough it can be for truly heavy people to psych themselves up for the long process of slimming down.

OH, do you now? I’m sorry…unless you have ever been 100lbs overweight and tried everything you can think of to lose it, you do NOT know how tough it is, darling….not even close…

(For instance, the overweight maintenance guy at my gym has talked to me a little bit about how it seems worthless for him to even try working out, because he's been heavy for as long as he can remember.)

Mmmm…what a great writer. I’m so glad that you talked to your “plump friends” and the “overweight management guy” at your gym to find out what it’s like to be overweight. What is this, a third grade book report? Jeeze…

But ... I think obesity is something that most people have a ton of control over. It's something they can change, if only they put their minds to it.

FYI, missy, obesity is not something people have a “ton” of control over. With a lot of hard work, yes… some people can change….if THEY want to.

People do have to put THEIR minds to it…not YOURS. Just because YOU want someone to change, doesn’t mean that they should…or can. Like my mother always says…mind your own business!

(I'm happy to give you some nutrition and fitness suggestions if you need them

NO THANKS!!! I’m pretty sure you aren’t a doctor, nutritionist, dietitian, or exercise physiologist…

— but long story short, eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it's cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, increase the amount of fiber you're getting, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to stand up more — even while using your computer — and walk more. I admit that there's plenty that makes slimming down tough, but YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me. It will take some time, but you'll also feel so good, physically and emotionally. A nutritionist or personal trainer will help — and if you can't afford one, visit your local YMCA for some advice.)

Guess what, honey…you can take your advice and shove it where the sun don’t shine!!! Even if you were qualified to give this advice (which I’m sure you are not) I wouldn’t take it from someone who has been belittling me for the past 10 or so minutes...

Then again, I guess these characters are in Overeaters Anonymous. So ... points for trying?

Points for trying??? POINTS FOR TRYING???? What the hell is that supposed to mean?!?!? Just think about how offensive that statement would have sounded in your skinny little head if you had written that about someone in AA.

YOU INFURIATE ME!!!

Then again, I tend to think most television shows are a kind of junk food for the mind and body. The boob tube gives us an excuse to turn off both our brains and our bodies and probably does a helluva lot to contribute to the obesity problem, over all. So ... I don't know.

You sure as hell don’t…

What do you guys think? Fat people making out on TV — are you cool with it?

Yeah, I’m “cool with it”…I’m pretty cool with anyone making out on TV. Fat people…skinny people…gays…blondes…brunettes…vampires…witches…little cartoon bears.

oh…and FYI, if I’m ever NOT “cool with it” I just friggin’ change the channel…

BRILLANT, I know…

Do you think I'm being an insensitive jerk?

Yes, without a question….but, if you needed to ask, you probably already knew the answer....

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Feel free to read her apology at the end of the original article...but for me the fact that she used to be anorexic is no excuse for writing such a disgusting piece, never-mind actually having someone equally as clueless approve it to be published.

It is my opinion that Marie Claire needs to have some sensitivity training in the work place. But, whether they do or don't doesn't really matter to me, because I never intend on giving them my business again. Ever.

Happy Halloween!!!

2010-11-03T12:09:00.002-04:00

Some people hate Halloween. I like it. I think it’s because I am dramatic...and I like eating candy...and dressing up...and being scared.

OK…so I love Halloween.

Halloween used to be like an open excuse to eat candy. As much as I wanted. So I would always stock up on Reeses and Snickers. My ultimate favorite candies ever.

I would buy these candies for the trick or treaters, telling myself that I wanted to be the awesome house that had awesome candy. But I would also buy a bag….or two…just to have around the house. So, yeah….mainly just for me.

During one season, I could legit eat two bags on my own.

But, although I did love Halloween, I never dressed up. Why, you ask? Well, because most costumes for women are…shall we say...risqué. And with that being the standard, I really couldn’t find a costume I liked…and could also fit into.

So, because of this, I just decided that my days of dressing up were over and I needed to stay home and hand out candy. But this year I went to visit my friend in Orlando for Halloween. So, for the first time in a long time I was determined to dress up…and look adorable.

We decided to go as Alice and The Mad Hatter. We had a great time together and we looked totally awesome...turning many a head when we went out to dinner! I was so happy that I found a costume that was cute, but also didn't make me look like a $10 prostitute. Let me tell you, It wasn't easy.

It really was my best Halloween yet!

And I didn’t even eat a single piece of candy!

Answers...

2010-10-28T10:50:00.005-04:00

You asked and I answered.

I hope you enjoy!

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Do you crave different things now than you did pre-surgery?

Yes and no.

Right after my surgery, when I couldn't really eat anything, I craved weird things...like salad and mashed potatoes. I watched the Food network like a stalker and legitimately thought Giada and Ina were my best friends. It was sad.

There are some things that I REALLY enjoyed pre surgery that I just can't touch now. For example...weird as it sounds I used to put Ken's Italian salad dressing on almost everything I ate. And had been doing that been since I was a child. Vegis? Rice? Potatoes? Hell yes. But now, it doesn't appeal to me at all. In fact, foods drenched in any kind of dressings kind of make me gag.

Sometimes, I crave things that I can't have...like ice cream or chocolate chip cookies. Sometimes I sneak a bite or two in, but most of the time I use my own little substitutes for these things that keep me happy. Sugar free fudgesicles and apples with peanut butter are my favorites at the moment.

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I may have missed this when I tuned in late, but why go for the whole Monty vs the lap band. Just curious. I've been reading quite a bit and I know someone who has had the same surgery. Lost 150.

A lot of people have asked me this question, so I’m really glad you asked me too. I think that each person makes their decision based on their personal preferences. I have seen successes and failures with both. That being said, I believed the gastric bypass was the way to go for me for a few different reasons.

1. Research shows that in the long run you lose more weight overall with a gastric bypass. My doctor said that with a gastric bypass you should expect to lose 70% of your excess weight, while with a lap band you could plan on losing about 50%. Currently I've lost a little over 80%

2. I didn't want a device implanted in me. I had seen some people with the lap band have problems with movement, erosion, and breakage. Although rare, I didn't want to deal with it. Since I was a generally healthy person, I figured my risks for complications were low with a gastric bypass, so after weighing the pros and cons I felt like it was the best move for me.

3. I didn't want control. I didn't want to be able to "fill" and "let out" my band whenever I wanted. I liked that a gastric bypass was a complete lifestyle change and I couldn't eat anything I wanted as long as it would fit through my band. The fear of dumping keeps me on track. I took that risk and it paid off for me.

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What about, um, you know, excess skin?

As for excess skin....I have it. (as does anyone with this kind of rapid weight loss, I'm sure) Mostly the skin that bothers is in my stomach and thighs. SPANX help a lot, but I decided from the get go that I really needed to work-out to tone and make the skin less noticeable. And it has definitely helped.

I tell people quite often that I have work really hard at the gym to NOT look like I had a gastric bypass. I think working out is key to managing the skin issue, but there are surgeries to remove it and some are covered by insurance. I’m not considering anything at the moment because I feel like it would be silly to have skin removed from my stomach before I have children. Which I want. Definitely.

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I was wondering if you knew what your body fat percentage was before surgery and now?

Oh my god. Math. (Hopefully I can make my high school math teacher, Mr. Duffy, proud here)

Bear with me as I think…

Ok…so…my starting weight was 301 lbs. An average person my height (5 ft 8 in) should weigh about 160 lbs to be considered “normal.” According to that, I was 141 lbs overweight. Which is about 47%.

Of that 141 lbs, I have lost 119. So as of now, I have lost 83% of my excess weight. (The average with a gastric bypass is 70%)

My body mass index (a calculation using your height and weight which doctors use to gauge your weight class) before surgery was 45.8 and I was considered “obese- class III”….the highest one. My BMI now is 27.7 and I am only considered “overweight.” A normal BMI for me would be under 25.

Calculate yours here if you want!

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I've heard that some people switch their "addictive" behavior from food to something else. By that I mean whatever function the food served them, stress reliever, friend, comforter etc. Have you experienced that?

Yes. I realized very soon after my surgery that I was addicted to food.

No one can really prepare you for that moment at all.

This is what I did: I got mad. I lashed out. I cried. And I watched the food network constantly. Until one day, I realized food was not coming back into my life in the same capacity as it was before. I needed to find a healthier way to deal with this “loss” than throwing a tantrum. So I did a lot of things

I started opening up and talking to my friends and family about my feelings.

I started embracing the gym.

I wrote a blog.

And as I lost weight, I became addicted to my new confidence.

Feeling great about myself is the best high ever. This is why I say, “nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels!” It’s not about attaining a certain weight goal or depriving yourself to look good. It’s about reminding yourself that you don’t need food to feel great. Feeling confident in myself feels better than anything I used to eat to make me happy. End of story.

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Well everyone, I hope these answers were interesting and helped you out! There are a couple really good ones that I have saved to use as their own blog entries…so stay tuned.

By the way…If you ever have questions for me, don't hesitate to ask. By the length of this post, It's obvious that I REALLY like answering them....lol.

Success "story time"...

2010-10-23T11:33:00.003-04:00

Guess what?

I am a success story. Really. Check it out!

I know, right? Who knew?

When I was a bigger person, I remember watching various infomercials at night when I couldn’t sleep. They are all the same, really. There would be some person on there, telling you their “success story”. How they lost 100 or so pounds with some gimmick diet or workout program. Generally, standing next to…or in…their old pants. Luckily, I never bought into all of that. In my mind, I always knew that if something looked too good to be true, it generally was. But that never stopped me from dreaming.

This year, I made my own success surgery with the combination of surgery, diet, and exercise. I won’t claim that it was easy, because it wasn’t….but it was simple. That’s it. No gimmicks. My way may not be for everyone, and that’s ok. I’m just happy that it worked for me.

As you guys have read, most of the hard work I’ve had to endure involves the gym. I know I’ve said it before, but working out was just as an important part of this process as the surgery. I tell people all the time that I work really hard to NOT look like I had a gastric bypass. And I would say I am quite pleased at the results.

So, a few days ago, my trainer, Beth, asked if I would mind writing a testimonial for her website. I was honored and told her I’d love to. But, when she also asked me to take some photos for a “before and after” section, I was a little nervous.

Should anyone really know what they look like working out?

I am always afraid of being judged. Hence trying to be perfect…all the time. But at the gym, I leave all that at the door. I don’t wear make-up, I get really sweaty, and I make noises that I can only describe as “discovery-channel-esque.” I go there to work. And it’s the only time I don’t care about what people think about me.

But I was curious. So I agreed. And the pictures came out awesome. I mean…for the first time ever, I saw that I have “cut” arms. There isn’t a better feeling in the world than really seeing your progress. It’s just so motivating.

So, take a moment and take a look at some of the photos. And then click on Beth’s website to read the testimonial and see the “before and after” photo section. The photo we picked as “the best one” is just my favorite. I nearly dropped that dumbbell on my head. That’s why I’m laughing. Well, that and the fact that everyone was watching me.

But you know what? They can look all they want.

My "success story" has a really cute butt now.

tricep pull downs

look at those arms!!!

lunges with medicine ball lifts

chest press

crunches

**By the way, I'm going to do the "Q&A" blog next week so get your questions to me if you want them answered! Either leave them in the comment section or e-mail them to me**

Birthday...pie?

2010-10-19T04:07:00.001-04:00

Last week sometime, I was talking to my mother on the phone and we were picking a day to get the whole family together to celebrate my birthday. As we were planning away, she asked me a question I hadn’t even thought about.

“Do you want me to make you a cake?”

For as long as I can remember, everyone in my family always get a homemade cake from my mom for their birthday. We each have our own choice flavor combos of cake and frosting, as well. My dad is chocolate/chocolate. So is my sister. But, I am a yellow cake/chocolate frosting kind of girl. Oh…and my cake has to be made in a heart shaped pan. Every single year. Because I am a brat.

We would have birthday dinner, followed by a huge piece of cake. And then maybe I would have another one before bed. Then, I would have a piece for breakfast. And take a piece in my lunch to school. I literally could not think about anything else until it was gone.

As an adult, I loved this tradition even more. It was comforting. And delicious. I mean it’s birthday cake, right? No one feels guilty about eating Birthday cake! Even when I was on a diet, I would ALWAYS allow myself a piece.

But this year I couldn’t have birthday cake. It wasn’t even a choice for me. So I told my mother not to even make one. It was too much of a temptation to even see it there, as I’m absolutely sure I would have risked the potential dumping and had a piece.

So, for the first time since I can remember I wouldn’t have my delicious, heart shaped, chocolate frosted, yellow birthday cake. And I was sad. For about 10 seconds.

Until my mom said, “Well…what would you like for dinner?” and I said the first thing that came into my head.

“Chicken pie and mashed potatoes.”

I don’t know why I picked that. Maybe I thought it would be something easy to eat. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had it in awhile. Whatever the reason, it ended up being the perfect meal on a cold fall New England day. I had a satisfying portion and even got a “doggy bag” to take home, which I had for two additional meals in the next few days.

My mom even made an apple cake (kind of like coffee/spice cake with chunks of apples/nuts/raisins in it...so delish!) for everyone. And by everyone, I mean my father and brother-in-law…who I’m fairly sure wrestled for the leftover cake when I left. So, I snagged a few bites of that. And I didn’t miss “my” cake at all.

So, I thought I would share this with you guys. Just to show you that, even 8 months post op, I continue to occasionally struggle with food. I miss some of my favorites, but in the end, I always realize that food is never as important as I think it is. In fact, when I think about what I’ve gone through to get here…it’s easy to say "no."

All I have to do is remind myself that nothing will ever taste as good as skinny feels!

It's my birthday and I'll blog if I want to...

2010-10-17T15:22:00.005-04:00

29 years ago today….at 7:51pm…I was born. Right on my due date.

TOP-The birth info from my crib at the hospital and the name announcement they added when my parents finally picked a name for me...(they were assured that I was a boy...oops...)
Bottom- My birth announcement in the paper and a picture of me at a few weeks old!

How friggin' cute was I?

At birth, I weighted 9lbs 10.5oz and I was 20 3/4inches long. My mother will tell you I was a big baby, but an average sized child. And that my delivery was long….very long.

Birthdays are supposed to be a time to celebrate another year of your life. To reflect and be proud of what you have accomplished in a short 365 days. But, since college, I often felt like every milestone during the year (including my birthday) was another time to look at how unhappy I was with myself.

Sure...I have a fantastic career. And a house I worked hard to buy on my own. But at the end of the day, I was always another year older, another several pounds heavier, and at a point where another year had gone where I felt that my life was at a standstill. I watched my friends zip past me and forward to weddings and babies. So by this point in my life, I had come to dread my birthday. Not because I felt older…but because I felt stagnant.

But this year is different. This year, I feel like I have made so much positive change in myself…and in my life…that I have finally moved forward. Closer to where I think that I’m supposed to be. So, after dreading my birthday for weeks...it inevitably arrived. And a funny thing happened.

I felt great.

No regrets. No guilt. I just felt...happy. For me, this past year was about change and evolution. Most obviously, my body has changed. But more importantly to me, so has my mind. This year I learned some important lessons that I think will make the last year of my twenties, the best time of my life.

First, and maybe most difficult for me, I’ve learned that, in fact, I am beautiful…and may have been for a lot longer than I believed. I’ve learned that food, although important, is not and should not be the main focus of my life. I’ve also learned that, despite my earlier beliefs, exercise will not kill me. In fact, I actually enjoy it. I’ve learned that shopping is even MORE fun when you feel comfortable about yourself….inside and out. And finally, I've learned a lot about my friends and family. I feel more loved and supported by most of you than I could have ever dreamed.

This year, I’ve decided that I’m going to embrace my 29^th birthday as a new beginning to what I hope will be the best year of my entire life. Instead of moping around, I spent my the very first minutes of this "new year" out salsa dancing...for the very first time. Spinning and twirling on the dance floor with my friends (and some strangers!) was a blast.

At this time last year, I was just beginning the process to see if I even qualified for this surgery. At that point, I had no idea where I would end up. Today, I am 118 pounds lighter and feeling the best I have ever felt in my life.

So here's to birthdays...because, in the end, it's not the years in your life that count....but the life in your years! And I want to have as much "life in my years" as possible!!!

Good hair day...

2010-10-15T18:48:00.002-04:00

I know…my hair again.

You guys know my hair anxiety pretty well by now and have listened to me moan about it for months. Well, my friends...today you are in luck! Instead of whining about it, I just wanted to let you know I got a new hair style and I think I’m in love.

I went to my stylist last week and discussed the situation. My hair is definitely growing in now and starting to look way better. With this new thickness at my roots, the ends of my hair were looking (and feeling) extraordinarily thin. So, since there were no pending weddings in my future, I told him I needed to start over.

And we decided to go short.

Really short.

In fact this is the shortest my hair has ever been. For a while, I wasn’t sure how I felt about it…but now I’ve decided I LOVE it and it is the perfect change I needed for the fall.

Fun to play with, easy to manage, and hides my “growing in” parts flawlessly! It’s perfect!

If the shoe fits...

2010-10-14T09:51:00.004-04:00

So, if there is one thing that I have learned throughout this whole process it is to not be surprised about the way my body changes. It’s really just not worth the stress. But in the past few weeks, I have really started to notice something that is driving me BANANAS.

My shoes don’t fit.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I know that I am very lucky that I wear clogs all day to work. (And sizewise, they are very forgiving) But, when I do have to wear actual shoes, I like to wear really sassy ones. Did they sometimes hurt my feet to the point where I can barely walk the next day? Sure. But like my mother always told me…”it hurts to be beautiful.”

Well, recently, I’ve headed out for a night on the town, and each time I go to find a pair of shoes from my closet, they are all too big. I’ve gone from a size 10 to a 9. I’ve tried sole inserts, padding, and moleskin without any help whatsoever.

This is just horrible.

I always thought I looked bad in my clothes. So, to watch my “fat clothes” disappear was never really a problem for me. But I just love the shoes in my shoe collection.

REALLY

REALLY love them.

Thoughts of them no longer fitting makes me really sad. I mean, I am definitely ecstatic about my transformation, but I this was a side effect that I wasn’t prepared for. But, it is one I must accept…like it or not.

So, I have decided to embrace my new “skinny feet” by slowly but surely building up my new shoe collection. But that doesn’t mean I won’t miss my old shoes…In fact, I plan to keep my size 10, 4 inch, leopard print pumps tucked away in the back if the closet…just in case!

20,000 hits...Q&A!

2010-10-14T09:21:00.002-04:00

Just checking in this morning and was so excited to see that the site reached 20,000 hits...

Per usual, I am forever surprised to see the interest on this site just grow and grow! Without your continued support, I know I would not have had the kind of success I've had so far.....and I remain forever grateful to you guys!

In honor of this momentous occasion (ok, not quite "momentous"....but a girl can dream, right?...) I decided to answer some questions from you....the readers. Have a burning question you want to ask? Want an explanation about something related to my surgery?...weight loss?...personal life?

Go ahead. Ask me.

I promise that I will answer as honestly as I can and may even turn the answer to your question into an entire blog entry. And when I publish the book you could legitimately be famous. (**KIDDING**)

Thanks again, you guys! YOU ROCK!!!

-Kristen
xoxo

**leave your questions in the comment section below OR feel free to e-mail them to me with the e-mail subject being "questions"**

Pain in the...gut?

2010-10-06T14:45:00.000-04:00

I know I’ve said it many times (knocking on wood each time, I swear) but my recovery has been extremely uncomplicated. I’m lucky. But I guess I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

:: sound of shoe hitting floor ::

Monday started out as a great day. I went to the gym, ate like normal, and got ready for work. I hopped into my car and headed into Boston, per usual. But about ½ way there I started having a really horrible abdominal pain. A stabbing pain right below my sternum, making it hard to even breathe.

Being the kind of person I am, I tried to shake it off and work, but it was impossible. I had to leave only 2 hours in. (And I still feel guilty about it.)

I went home, started to feel a little better, had a snack, and went to bed. When I woke up, I felt like a million bucks. I chocked it up to working too hard at the gym and went about my day. I ate light and stayed on the couch most of the day jst so I wouldn’t stir up anything. But when I got up to go to get ready for work, this sharp pain came back with a fury. I tried to blow it off, thinking it would go away on it’s own again, but when I couldn’t even stand up straight in the shower, I knew something was wrong.

I called out sick from work…again…and went to the ED at my hospital. Of course, by the time I got there (about 4 hours after the pain had restarted) the pain was diminishing…but I hadn’t eaten in almost 6 hours and I was convinced it was related to food.

In my mind, it could only have been a few things.

My first thought was that it was my gallbladder. Gallstones are common after gastric bypass, so it wouldn’t have surprised me if this were the case. But alas…after an ultrasound, I found out my gallbladder was looking all right and did not need to be removed. This was a thrill, because gallbladder issues meant surgery in my head and I totally didn’t want to deal with that at all. (although of course they saw some sort of spot on my liver so I have to have an MRI out patient now….awesome… :: rolls eyes :: )

So, moving on, I also thought it could have been a small hernia. Although I couldn’t really feel any sort of protrusion where it was hurting, I had worked out that day, and hernias can definitely happen after abdominal surgery. So, I had a nice abdominal x-ray that ruled that one out. Fantastic. Zero for two...

Finally, my last thought was that I could have some sort of gastric ulcer, which can happen at the seams of your pouch after gastric bipass. To me, what I was feeling didn’t feel as much of the burning type pain that I would expect with an ulcer. I remembered that when I had my EGD previously, they did say I had a small one...so maybe it had grown. Heck, I didn’t know. I was grasping at straws. But, after an extremely awkward rectal exam, I was told that I was not “bleeding” and it may not be the cause. Wonderful.

No one seemed to know what the heck was wrong with me. And since my pain had gone away (I hadn’t eaten in almost 12 hours) they gave me a glass of water and some graham crackers. When I didn’t die after eating those, they sent me home. Without any answers. At 3am.

Awesome.

So, long story short, it’s right about the witching hour for this pain to come back. All I’ve eaten today is a piece of pizza and a fudgesicle. So far so good, but I’m being cautious. I need to follow up with my PCP and my bariatric surgeon, but I think will live.

As a nurse, it’s hard to be on the other side of the bed. And it’s even harder to be there without answers. But I am glad it’s nothing emergent and, honestly, I’m just hoping it doesn’t happen again. :: crosses fingers ::

A day in the life of my pouch...

2010-09-28T12:32:00.003-04:00

I’ve been thinking.

(Dangerous, I know…)

Now that I have been eating more “normally” and actually cooking and plating my own food (for the first time in months!!!) I feel like I have really lost perspective on the bigger picture of what I put in my mouth throughout the day.

And this scares the crap out of me.

I don’t have the luxury to lose control of how I eat…and I'm afraid with every bite that I will. So, since I really had nothing better to do all day, I came up with a little project to give me (and you) an idea of how I’m eating. I took a “before and after” shot of ANYTHING I put in my mouth. For 24 hours.

So here it is…my day...one bite at a time.

I was really honest and didn’t eat anything that isn’t pictured here. I do have to say, though, that knowing I would be taking these pictures really helped my keep random small snacking (aka “grazing”) non-existent. It made me think a little more about what I was eating, and looking back today, it makes me see where I could have made better choices.

This is something I may have to do this more often...just to keep myself in check!

Enjoy!

Breakfast, 9am:
1/2c Fiber One raisin crunch cereal
1/2c skim milk
1/2 small banana

Snack, 11am:
4 pieces cheddar cheese
4 water crackers
5 slices cucumber
1/2 small tomato...diced
(drizzle of salad dressing over vegetables)

Lunch, 1:30pm:
1 small whole wheat wrap
2 small baked chicken tenderloins
1/2c raw spinach
3 small tomato slices
1Tbsp shredded cheddar cheese
1Tbsp light red wine vinaigrette
1 handful baked ruffle chips

Snack, 3pm:
1/4c black and white trail mix

Dinner, 5pm:
1c pasta
1/2 c homemade meat sauce
1 italian sausage, sliced
1/2c steamed baby vegetables
sprinkle of pep. romano cheese

Snack, 8pm:
1 small macintosh apple, sliced
1Tbsp peanut butter

Fluids throughout the day:
1 bottle Lipton diet green tea (16.9oz)
2 bottles poland spring water (16.9oz)

Welcome!

2010-09-27T13:21:00.003-04:00

If you are stopping by because of my mention in the "your blogs" section of boston.com today...WELCOME!!!

I'm so excited (and thankful) for the shout out from them.

Please come back often and feel free to leave comments! : )

Lookin' for love....

2010-09-26T20:52:00.005-04:00

There is something about going out to dinner with a group and sitting next to an empty place setting, that makes you feel really alone. And last night, that’s exactly what happened to me.

When I was bigger, I never really had a boyfriend. And I guess I never really expected to. When people asked me if I was seeing anyone, I would tell them just how hard it was to meet someone while going to an all women’s college. Or how working in a female dominated profession didn’t really make it any easier.

It wasn’t like I didn’t try. Eharmony? Match.com? oh yes…I sure did. But after meeting a few bad eggs, I didn't renew my subscription.

Despite the excuses I gave, deep down inside I felt that my size was what was really holding me back from meeting someone great. I understood that looks had a lot to do with the process. Whether right or wrong, I felt being a bigger person made a bad first impression.

To be honest, more than once I even tried lowering my standards. Yeah…you can imagine how well that turned out.

So, I took last year to focus on getting my life and myself together. And now that I’m more average sized and with the same personality and even better assets, I thought things would be way easier for me. But alas, I am surprised on how difficult meeting someone remains. And as I watch my friends get married and have babies, I feel like I’m running out of time. My birthday is 4 weeks from today…and I will be the ripe old age of 29.

When people tell me that I’m “quite the catch” and that I’ll “meet someone when I’m not looking”….I totally want to smack them upside the head. No offense, as I’m sure some of you were already thinking it.

Honestly, I would like to know when someone in my position ISN’T looking?!?! I mean seriously. My radar is ALWAYS on.

So, my real question is, was it that people never really cared how I looked? Was it who I was as a person that turned people off? Or is it that my standards are too high? Honestly, I don’t know…and if I think about it anymore, I’m going to need a glass of wine. But what I do know is that as November looms just a few days away, I have to start to comprehend the thought of spending the holiday season as a single person…again.

So here I am, wearing my cute new dress last night. Will I meet someone someday? I sure hope so! But until then, I'm just a single white female...lookin' for love…and someone to sit next to her at dinner!

10 year high school reunion...

2010-09-26T16:07:00.004-04:00

Last weekend I went to my 10 year high school reunion.

Yes, I am that old.

But as old as it made me feel, I was excited to show off the new me. I skipped the 5yr reunion because I had put on almost 60 pounds. I wanted to go, but I was embarrassed of my weight gain. But now, with a lot of hard work, my weight is now 40-50 pounds less than It was when I was in high school.

So…Bring it on.

Although some of my closest high school friends were unable to attended (I retain the right to refer to you guys as “LAME” until you show yourselves at the 15yr) it was really nice to catch up with some people I haven’t seen in ages and see what everyone has been up to.

Well…to be honest…I kind of knew what everyone was up to. Most of us constantly stalk each other on Facebook. But we exchanged pleasantries and pretended that we didn’t know every little detail that was going on in each other’s lives. Strange how times have changed…but all in all, it was a really nice event. And being there really made me think about how different I am now from when I was in high school.

There are some people who are fat and happy. But, that was not me at all. Being fat in high school has to be one of the cruelest punishments one can endure. Not because I was made fun of or made to feel uncomfortable, but because of the things I missed out on.

In high school, I didn’t have a boyfriend. Or a prom “date.” I distinctly remember being MORTIFIED that my prom dress was a size 20. It was the biggest size they had in the store and it barely fit me. I went to my prom with a friend because the stress of potentially going alone was unbearable. I felt like I was lucky to even find someone willing to go with me.

I remember every birthday wish, every fallen eyelash, every penny found….I would wish to be skinny. I wanted to wear cute clothes and to not cry in gym class. I would lay in bed at night and bargain with myself saying “tomorrow, I will start to walk on the treadmill…everyday…and I’ll only eat salad….everyday.” But by the morning, I would inevitably fall back into my old habits and my weight stayed on. Or went up.

Don’t get me wrong, though. I have really fond memories of high school! Singing in various choirs…drama….and some GREAT shenanigans with my friends. (most of them involving my gray 1989 Ford Taurus…jealous much?...) I just think they may have been a little “fonder” if I hadn’t been embarrassed of how big I was…all the time.

After talking to people for a little while at reunion, I really started to think about what I had accomplished in the past 10 years. I realized I’m in a really good place. I look great. I feel great. And I know I have some great times coming to me in the future.

So when I left the reunion, I felt happy. It was great to see my friends, and it was great to see how far I had come in my life. But, despite all that….I still feel old.

"THE RULES"

2010-09-22T20:27:00.002-04:00

For me, today was one of those days where all I did was eat and sit on the sofa. A “mental health day” of sorts. And when I weighed myself, I lost 2 pounds.

Awesome.

But in all seriousness, the amount of food I have been able to eat lately is really starting to scare me. With everything I’ve tasted and tried...athough I definitely feel full sooner...I haven’t had dumping at all. So, at this point in this whole process, I know I can eat anything I want.

This is extremely dangerous.

Without the fear of dumping, I have gone a little rouge with my eating. I still stay away from sugar…mostly…but I have been ordering out at work, going out to eat more in general (most of the time NOT ordering off the children’s menu), and buying "unhealthy" items at the grocery store.

When I go out to eat, sometimes I know I could pick a healthier item off the menu…but I do what I do best. I rationalize ordering what I WANT instead of what I SHOULD have. It is a skill I have mastered that I wish I could use for good instead of evil…but alas.

My saving grace has been that I continue to work out. Hard. Also, my pouch still limits the quantity of food I eat. The amount of food I can eat is definitely less than pre-surg, but in the last few weeks it has totally increased from what it has been. It is a fear I can't even describe.

So, a few days ago I really started thinking about how and what I've been eating. I have heard stories of people regaining their weight after surgery. It feels like this is a point in my recovery where I could start to pick up some old habits that could send me down that road. Yikes. So, I've decided to nip these bad habits in the butt before they get out of control.

Thus…”THE RULES” were born.

“THE RULES” are something I made up in order to help me stay on the straight and narrow with my eating. They are limits I have set for myself that I'm not allowed to rationalize away. And as stupid as it sounds, they have already started to help.

Here’s what I have so far:

1. I will eat breakfast everyday. And it will be breakfast food...healthy breakfast food.

2. I will taste a dessert, but never order or eat a whole one.

3. I will never drink more than 2 glasses of wine in one sitting.

4. I will not buy unhealthy food at the grocery store.

5. I will try to make and bring dinner for myself at work. But, if I do order out...I will make healthy choices

6. I will take my vitamins. Everyday.
7. I will not eat ANY halloween candy. Not even one piece.

I will add more rules as time goes by, but it is already hard to keep up with these ones

When I make a rule, I’m trying to be realistic. I know that at some point I may break it. But just having them really makes me think about what I'm eating before I put it into my mouth...which helps a lot. This list will grow and change as I do, but I will always keep it around as a tool to keep me healthy.

Knowing that I CAN eat whatever I want has empowered me to CHOOSE to eat the right way. I don’t want to go back to an unhealthy lifestyle…and if it takes “ THE RULES” to keep me in line….so be it!

On a funnier note, when I told my mom about my current eating woes and the instillation of “THE RULES” she sent me the link to this video. Hysterical. So yes, mom…from now on I will “think before I eat”…

***do you have any “rules” that you use to keep yourself in check? Or do you have any suggestions for my ever growing list? Let me know in the comment section below!

Wedding bells...

2010-09-21T12:11:00.016-04:00

My sister and my dad!

Well, we finally had my sister’s wedding and it was just fantastic.

Everyone was beautiful, especially my sister, and there wasn’t a dry eye in the place. (especially during the "father daughter dance...I tear up just thinking about it) It was an awesome wedding and I’m surprised how quickly it went by!

When I went to get my hair put up, I told the lady straight out…this was going to be difficult. And boy…I wasn’t lying. The “growing in” parts are still too short to do anything with and the rest of my hair is so fine it wouldn’t even tease!

Me and my beautiful mom!

My assigned hairdresser didn’t even blink an eye. She worked her magic and with an extra pair of hands, a pound of hair pins, and what seemed like an entire can of hairspray, she had my hair contorted into a sort of French twist like thing with some pinned curls on top. She REALLY lacquered it to my head and it looked great the whole night!

The bridesmaids

Our dresses looked awesome and I don’t think anyone could even notice that mine was altered at all! The color really looked good with my skin tone, which was totally tan because of all my beach visits this summer. (thanks, Mike!) I also loved my silver, glittery, 4 inch, peek toe pumps! (Something I couldn’t have ever even DREAMED of prancing around in before my weight loss!) Our ensembles were a really good choice and looked phenomenal on all of the bridesmaids.

The DJ was great and me and Mike danced all night long! All those calories I spent on the delicious dinner and 1 glass of wine were pretty gone by the end of the night, I'm sure. (I needed the glass of wine to get through the maid of honor toast…that I had written only the night before!)

Professional wedding dates...me and Mike!

I caught the bouquet, which gave me hope for a wedding in my future. But, then I remembered that this is the third time I have caught the bouquet at a wedding.

Bummer.

My cousin, Joey, caught the “bruins themed” garter. (my sister and her husband are BIG hockey fans...god bless them…lol) Needless to say, Joey was not too interested in putting his hands up my dress, so we did a fun dance and he placed it right up on my arm. I thank Beth now for all those bicep curls and triceps kick-backs, as I’m sure everyone was checking out my “bruins” arm all night long!

All in all it was a fantastic night and really fun wedding. I can’t believe its over and I couldn’t be happier for my sister and my new brother in law. I hope they enjoyed their honeymoon in the Bahamas….especially the “couples massage” I bought for them as a wedding present!

The newlyweds...Congratulations, Jillian and Mike!

Wine tasting....

2010-09-21T12:06:00.002-04:00

Hello…my name is Kristen and it has been almost 9 months since my last drink.

Now don’t get me wrong…Alcohol made a swift exit in my life when i decided to have this surgery. The fear of “dumping” (which I haven’t really had yet, knock on wood) kept me far far away from my martinis…and vodka tonics…and tall glasses of shiraz. I remained painfully sober through birthday parties, weddings, and dinners out. And didn’t really mind…too much.

But nothing was going to keep me away from a drink while I was at my sister’s wedding.

The experts tell you to have your first drink at home…just in case it makes you really sick. And it was difficult for me to find a time where I felt like sitting at home by myself drinking wine and waiting to be sick. It just didn’t sound very fun at all.

So, a couple of weeks ago, my really good friend, Lindsey, came up for a visit from California. We sat down and started to chat. And I did something I hadn’t done in a while.

I opened a bottle of wine.

It was a dusty bottle of cabernet sauvignon. A REALLY good bottle I had received as a housewarming gift when I bought my house about a year ago. Something I was saving for a really special occasion. And this night seemed about as good of an "occasion" as any I could think of. I mean, if I was going to “dump,” I might as well do it on a really good bottle of wine, right?

It also made it a little easier knowing that Lindsey is also a nurse, so I knew that if I got sick, she would understand. So I poured…we drank…and talked and laughed until the wee hours of the morning. Besides the fact that the girl who used to drink 4 or 5 martinis and still be sober as a brick, ended up pretty tipsy on a half of a glass of wine, I had no ill effects.

I was so happy I could have cried that night…well, maybe it was the wine. But still…it was awesome.

Rehearsal dinner!

So at my sister’s rehearsal dinner, I downed a couple more glasses, just to be sure. (Also, to help me ignore all of the delicious italian food that was there! Yum!)

Bingo…no dumping. I felt great. I felt I was totally set for the wedding.

I’ve decided that I’m going to stick with wine for now in order to avoid the sugars in the juicy sweet drinks and the bubbles in the ones mixed with sodas…and this suits me just fine! I can have 1 or maybe 2 glasses, but I won’t overdo it because I know there are A LOT of calories in that little glass.

Regardless of the restrictions I’m giving myself, I’m glad to have alcohol back in my life. I know it will definitely help me fell a little more “normal” in the social situations a girl in her late 20s is exposed to…it will also help me get back to seriously busting a move on the dance floor!

Me, my wine, and my dad!

I'm alive...

2010-09-09T15:33:00.008-04:00

Hey guys...

Just thought I would put up a quick note letting people know that, even though I haven't posted in while, I am alive and well! With my sister's wedding tomorrow, things have been pretty busy in my world and I haven't even had a moment to collect my thoughts. I will be posting again next week, but until then...here's a quick picture of me from the rehearsal dinner!

As of this week, I have lost a total of 110lbs!

15,000 hits? seriously?

2010-08-31T06:37:00.002-04:00

So, while checking my blog this morning…as I do every morning…every single day…I noticed I my counter was just over 15,000 hits.

Holy mackerel.

So, I decided to re-read all of the touching comments left in the past 7 months by you, my fantastic readers! I feel badly because I can’t personally respond to each and every one, but rest assured that I check for them, every day. And the support has made a huge difference in my recovery. No question.

So, I just wanted to put up a quick post to thank you all for your support! Thank you for taking time out of your day to read my blog, leaving your comments, and for passing the link on to your friends and family. You guys rock!

Kristen
xoxo

(Also, if anyone links my blog to theirs...PLEASE comment to let me know, so I can do the same for you!)

Magic pins...

2010-08-30T19:05:00.001-04:00

Clothing is starting to really irritate me.

I mean…I absolutely LOVE shopping and buying new clothes. But it is starting to really bug me that I grow out of the stuff I buy so quickly….usually about 3-4 weeks. Thank god I wear scrubs to work or I would be legitimately insane by now.

It has gotten to the point that it really doesn't matter too much to me what I wear...except for one thing. About a year ago, I had to buy a bridesmaid’s dress for my sister’s wedding. (which is currently 2 weeks from now!) I had just started the process of getting approved for my surgery when we had to buy them and I didn’t know what size I would be. So I guessed. And since the dress was on sale, I knew I couldn’t buy another one. So I bought not one, but two dresses…just to be sure.

I figured if I wasn’t approved for surgery, I would still drop a few pounds on my own and drop at least one size. So I bought one dress in a size 22. I then figured if I did have surgery, I would lose at least 50 pounds, so I bought another one in size 18.

Right now I am a size 12. Shit.

I’ve looked on the website, called the store, and even checked e-bay to see if I could find a correct sized dress…no luck. So I figured I needed to find a seamstress…an EXCELLENT seamstress. Fast.

Well, god bless faceboook! I throw out a desperate cry for help and I am blessed to be connected with Mary Reese…seamstress extraordinaire. When I called her to make an appointment at "Hilary's Bridal" in Plymouth, MA, where she works, I was so nervous and most likely talking a mile a minute. When I finally stop babbling about my post surgery dress-size-woes, there was a brief moment of silence. I held my breath and she said to me words that almost brought tears to my eyes.

“Don’t worry. I have magic pins.”

Awesome.

I had my fitting a few days ago and pick up my finished dress next week. Mary was just the sweetest thing ever and skilled to boot! Before I knew it, she had me pinned up tight and the dress fit perfectly. And beyond that, it looks utterly fantastic.

I friggin’ love magic pins.

So here I am with Mary, magic pins and all. I can hardly wait to see the finished dress! And I can’t thank her enough for hooking me up with her magic pins!!!!

Big Kristen...

2010-08-29T06:17:00.000-04:00

When I was younger, my babysitter’s name was also Kristen. When you are about four-years-old and you share the same name as your babysitter, it pretty much rocks your world. Well…at least it rocked mine.

When she was around, my family referred to her “Big Kristen” and I was “Little Kristen.” (You know...because it was so difficult to tell the difference between us.) To me, "Big Kristen" was perfect. She was smart, pretty, and fun to play with. I wanted to be just like her when I grew up.

The other day, when I was talking to my friend, Mike, we started chatting about our upcoming 10 year high school reunion and how much I've changed since then. My surgery is a common topic for us, and I always feel really comfortable talking to him about my weight loss. Suddenly, he said something that really caught me off guard.

“Ya know,” he said, “I don’t even remember big Kristen…”

I had no idea how to feel about that. I was finally referred to as “Big Kristen”….but not in the way I expected almost 25 years ago. Several things darted through my mind. Have I really changed that much? Is this a good thing? Am I so different that my former self has disappeared? I mean…was there anything wrong with being “Big Kristen?”

Throughout the process of shrinking my body, I have done a lot of growing as a person. And I have crossed a few things off my bucket list. But am I really a completely different person?

When I got home, I really thought about it. After awhile, I finally decided that I am basically still the same person that I was before my surgery. The difference is that I am finally sharing some of the parts of my personality that I have kept hidden for so long. Sure, I have a lot more confidence now. And my confidence is real. Not just a smoke show to hide my insecurities. I want to try different things, go on adventures, and jump out of planes. And I think “Big Kristen" wanted to do those things too, but she just couldn’t.

I’m not changing who I am as much as I am evolving as a person. I get to keep the best parts of myself and improve on things that will only make me a better person. Not a different one.

So, I realized that there was nothing wrong with being “Big Kristen.” In fact, she was pretty darn awesome. But, being “Little Kristen” again is really awesome, too. And there's nothing wrong with that!

Proof I can fly!

2010-08-20T18:03:00.000-04:00

The video and pictures of my skydive came in the mail yesterday. It is legitimately the best $90 I have spent on anything. Ever.

I’m still not completely comfortable with seeing myself on video. It only takes me about a nanosecond to zone in on all of the flaws that I continue to worry about. I have always been overly critical of myself, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that everyone else thinks and sees the same things I do. :: ugh ::....I really need to knock it off.

But here is my video. It's proof that I actually can fly!

I know I said it a million times in my last post, but skydiving was an amazing time! Despite all the nervousness, I would totally jump again in a heartbeat. Maybe I can get some of you to come with me next time?!?

Here are some of the pictures they took for me, as well. Enjoy!

When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return. ~Leonardo Da Vinci

I'm like a bird...

2010-08-13T00:41:00.001-04:00

Today, my mom told me I eat like a bird. I find this hysterical.

Especially, since I feel like I have been eating everything in sight in the past week or so. I have been hungrier than I have felt in a looong time. This worried me a bit, but my doctor told me this might happen…so I've been doing the best that I could with it, kept going to the gym, and anxiously awaited the consequences. Despite all my fears, a couple of days ago I got on the scale and voila!

I broke the 200 lb mark.

For the first time since I can even remember, I weigh in the 190s. So, I did what any normal blog writing girl would do. I grabbed my camera and got proof.

This is a HUGE achievement for me. I needed to celebrate. But, I was getting quite tired of rewarding myself by buying clothes that I grow out of in 4 weeks. I had no idea what else to do. God works in mysterious ways, though. When he knew I wouldn’t expect it, he put the solution right in my face.

I seriously have an addiction to roller coasters, thrill rides, and the such. But these rides can be a bit nerve wracking when you are a larger person. Mostly it’s because of the involvement of some sort of strap or harnesses that may or may not fit around you.

In what I can only imagine as an experience that would cause me to want to crawl under a rock and die, I have seen the way the people who are running the ride react to someone who doesn’t fit into the straps. After waiting for god knows how long to ride and struggling with the small straps, the “non fitter” is made to get out of their seat in front of everyone and do the walk of shame out the back door. Everyone stares. It’s horrifying.

Because of this fear, I haven’t been on a thrill ride in really long time. And recently, as I’m getting smaller, I have just been jonesin’ for an adrenaline rush. So, while out at dinner with my friend, Noreen, she mentioned she was going skydiving with her cousin, Ashley, and our other friend, Kate. She casually invited me. And I said the first thing that came into my head.

Count me in.

I have always waned to sky dive…but I have always weighed too much. If I could even squeeze myself into the harness, I feared plummeting to the earth while dragging some poor soul (who anxiously strapped themselves to me) to an unfortunate and depressing death. SPLAT! So, before I gave my down payment, I checked the website. And I am 30 pounds below the weight limit.

Done.

In order to feed my crave for adrenaline and after some severe nervousness, I got in a plane and jumped…at 10,000 feet (or 2 miles) in the air! Freefalling at 120mph through the clouds over gorgeous Cape Cod was the most amazing thing I have ever done! It makes every drop of blood, sweat, and tears I have had to go through in the past 7 months absolutely worth it!!!

So, yes...my mother was right. Today, I WAS like a bird, but in more ways than one!

I paid for the edited video of my jump and should get it in a few weeks along with the professional photos. As soon as I do, I will share! Until then, enjoy some of these still shots thanks to Mike, who came to make sure I didn’t chicken out!

Tucked in...

2010-08-06T23:31:00.000-04:00

I am always running late.

All my friends know this about me. And the ones closest to me tend to handle the situation pretty well. But no one does this better than my friend Mike.

Poor Mike arrives at my house generally 20-30 minutes before he actually intends to go anywhere with me…just to make sure I’m ready on time. And even if I’m not, he doesn’t get upset. In short…he’s a saint.

Well, Mike and I went to Martha’s Vineyard today, and I was running late as usual. I had meant to wash a cute little tank top that morning to wear out that day, but alas…because I went to the gym beforehand- I was running late...and I forgot to wash it. The amount of cute AND clean clothing I had to choose from was minimal. I literally put on the first clean tank top I could find. And I did something I had never done before.

I tucked it in.

I know this seems quite normal to some people, but when you are fat, you tend to wear the longest, most baggy things to hide your “poochy pouch.” (aka “gunt”…aka "pannis"…) Most days, I would have worn a shirt down to my knees. But, honestly, If you have a "poochy pouch", hiding it becomes a full time job. Tucking in your shirt is just counter productive.

But the “tuck in” worked...I looked cute…and the rest is history.

The only unfortunate part of the trip was the crabby waitress who gave me attitude about ordering off the children's menu. It was the first time that had happened to me…ever! She didn’t make me show my doctor’s note, but I totally threatened her with it.

Seriously...waitstaff of the world...don't mess with me.

Despite this grumpy waitress, our day was perfect. And I spent the entire day...comfortably "tucked in!"

Illegally blonde...

2010-08-05T22:56:00.000-04:00

I take a lot of pride in my hair…as evidenced by the number of posts I put up about it. I can only imagine that when you all read this, you think “Shut up about your hair already! We get it! You are obsessed!”

But alas…I continue….

My hair needed to be colored soooo badly, but I had been waiting because I didn’t want to add any unnecessary stress to it. My plan was to try and wait until September to have my hair cut and colored again. But, in the past few weeks, I’ve really noticed that slowly but surely has not only has my hair decreased in falling out, but has actually started to grow back. Now, I am left with this really weird sort of “halo” of baby hairs around my head…all the same length. (I promise, it was not attractive and very difficult to hide...) Upon realizing this new development, I couldn’t hold back the urge anymore…so I made a hair appointment.

Today, I went to my salon and saw one of my favorite people on the planet: Toby, my hairstylist. The last time I saw him had to be at least 40-50 pounds ago so, when I walked up to his chair I received the best greeting ever!

“GIIIIIIRL!!! Oh.My.God. You look so gooooood!”

Seriously…I love him.

After discussing the weird halo situation, and taking into account my sister’s wedding coming up in 4 weeks or so, we decided the best solution would be some cute wispy bangs. He said that this would really help hide the wispy hairs in the front that are driving me absolutely bananas.

He did a gorgeous color job and I am so happy to be blonde again! YAY!

100 pounds of fat...

2010-07-30T19:40:00.000-04:00

When people find out I've had gastric bypass, they tend to ask me “so...what weight do you want to end up at?”… and I never really know what to say.

Through this whole process, my weight loss has never really been about numbers for me. It’s more about how awesome I feel fitting in to smaller clothes, shopping in new stores, and generally feeling good about myself. But when I got on the scale today for my regular “weigh in,” I saw a number I’ve been waiting for the past few weeks. Today, I weighted 201 pounds, meaning that since my surgery, I have lost 100 pounds. And that is a number that just can’t be ignored.

This is what 100 pounds of fat looks like.

Holy mother of god.

100 pounds is the weight of an average 13 year old. Ummmm…So, I’ve lost an entire teenager’s worth of weight from my body. Yowza. Whenever I think about it, all I can picture is me with a 13 year old on my back…for the past 10 years. It seems so ridiculous…and slightly painful.

The lowest I can ever remember weighing is 204. I was 15 and was on my first successful diet ever. It was something I made up on my own. It involved 30 minutes of treadmill a day (after school) and feeling guilty about every single calorie I put into my mouth. I distinctly remember being at a cookout, looking at a cookie and thinking to myself, “If I eat this, It will be like I didn’t even exercise today…no cookie…no cookie…no.” I lost about 20 pounds, but it didn't last very long.

Anywhoo, I was thrilled and decided to celebrate this milestone at the beach. I thought I would share a picture. I felt amazing.

At this point, I really don’t know where I’m going to end up, weight-wise. The one thing I do know is that I won’t ever lose another hundred pounds. I’m going to sit back, relax, and enjoy this feeling as long as I can!

Is that me?

2010-07-30T19:21:00.001-04:00

One of the awesome parts of my job is that you really get to bond with your patients. And sometimes they will send you a thank you note in the mail with a picture of their baby (and maybe some chocolates if you're lucky!)

A little while ago, I got one of those cards in the mail…but included inside was a picture of me. It's something I still keep it tucked in my datebook. It is the last picture I have of me before I had surgery.

I could barely recognize myself.

So, here is quick set of “before and after” pictures. One is the picture sent to me by my patient. The other is picture that I had a friend take of me in the break room at work about a week ago.

It’s insane.